Happy October Everyone!
I hope this newsletter finds you stopped in your tracks and
struck with awe at the glorious colors and heady scents of autumn.
Here on the coast of central California the persimmons on my tree
are turning orange as its large leaves, like open-palmed hands,
drape the branches in vibrant hues of gold, rust and yellow. What
more could we ask of this world than the annual donning of its
resplendent autumn cloak?
And yet we do ask for more – far more, lots more, plenty more.
As if designed for perpetual longing, we happily accept the
abundance set before us, we may even sigh or smile at the world –
but we rarely do we sit long on our laurels. Within a few moments
of taking in even the grandest of sights or experiencing the
greatest of achievements, many of us are busy setting our sights
on a new horizon that promises to deliver in a bigger, better or
more profound way than the present moment.
It seems that part of our very nature is this need for hope –
the gravity that pulls us towards that which we do not yet have.
No doubt, desire is a powerful and essential force in keeping us
moving into the future. Yet if we do not keep our wishing and
wanting in check, aware of the roots of our desires on a
fundamental level, they can act as much as a force for our
discontent as for our unfolding and blossoming.
One of the basic premises I embrace as an employment counselor
is that what people say they want matters little – why they want
it is profoundly important! I see desires like Russian nesting
dolls – within each wish lays a deeper wish, enfolding yet a more
basic desire, which nests perhaps a fundamental need or an ancient
ache of hope. When we focus solely on the attainment of the
surface desire (the largest doll of the bunch) and ignore the
deeper motivations and values that it contains, our vision is
limited by the size and shape of that figure. When we know why we
want what we want, our possibilities for contentment expand and
multiply because we are more open to the myriad ways of attaining
it.
For example, the person who says their career choice will be
made based in large part by their desire to earn a lot of money, I
would ask, “If you are willing to trade your time and talent
solely on the basis of money, what is it you plan to do with your
money? Is it for a car, a retirement plan, to move out of your
parent’s home, to be able to see and do new things?" At this
point, the issue is no longer about money – and it really isn’t
even about what we can buy with it. If we open those responses to
the deeper values nested within them, we open ourselves to the
deeper questions, like: How do I become more independent at this
time of my life? From where will I gain a sense of security? How
do I infuse a greater sense of adventure into all that I do?
This harkens back to a quote I shared in the first issue of
this newsletter from Martin Luther King, Jr., “Our questions in
life are everything. The questions we ask will shape our destiny
as clearly as the skeleton shapes the body.” We need to get to the
quest (or question) at the core of each desire we hold – the key
value burning in the fire of its belly. We need to stop and ask
why we want what we want and consider other ways we can satisfy
our desires. Sometimes, in that evaluation, we may even be tempted
to let some of those desires go, especially those that lay like a
wet stone at the bottom of our hearts rather than serving as
kindling for the fires in our hearts.
It seems there are two ways to not suffer from want of what we
do not have. The first is to acquire more wealth, power or the
conditions under which we can obtain what we desire. The second is
to limit our desires. The first is not always within our power;
but the second is. Perhaps the quickest way to our own contentment
is by changing our minds about what we think we need in order to
live the lives we want. I think most of us have built our lives on
the unquestioned belief that without certain things – money,
power, fame, approval, a good reputation, security, a large circle
of friends - we cannot be happy. We all have some basic equation
working in our minds that tell us what will add up to our
happiness, our serenity or our success in life. For example:
A house in the burbs + A good, steady job + Marriage and 2.2
children = Living happily ever after
A great looking body + Plenty of money in the bank + A Harley
Davidson = Having it made
Less paperwork+ More funding for better equipment + A little
recognition from the powers that be = A happy camper at work
It is worth our while to examine what our particular equation
looks like because to a very large extent our ability to
experience a sense of contentment is dependent upon it. Once we
swallow a belief about what it would take to make us happy, to
feel secure, or to be in a good relationship – we enter what
spiritual teacher and writer, Anthony de Mello, called the
“vicious circle of attachment” – the efforts to acquire the
objects of your attachments – the clinging to it once we have them
- and the anxiety of possibly losing them. The minute we put a
thick coat of attachment of fear or longing onto anyone or
anything – we stop seeing that person or thing as it truly is.
This is what may cause us to stay in a relationship, a job or in a
position on the school board long after it has served our purposes
– perhaps we can’t let go of the “idea” of it, its place in the
equation that it is part of.
Take some time to respond to the questions in the Putting into
Practice section of this newsletter to shine some light on a few
of the equations that are operating in your life. Consider sharing
these questions with individuals you work with or with other
people in your life who could benefit from a little reassessment
of the needs and desires driving their actions and choices at this
time in their lives.
With the desire to cultivating true livelihoods and live
soulful, wholehearted lives, we need to know what it is we are
bringing our hearts to – to what are we really committing and
dedicating ourselves? Are we just living out of an old idea of
what should make us happy, or are we responding to the true
blossoming of our heart’s desires? How do we hear the true
yearnings of our hearts amongst the clinking and clattering of our
everyday needs, surface desires and habitual cravings? How do we
discern in the face of our perpetual needs and ever-increasing
wants, what it is that we truly long for – that which is worthy of
the investment of our time, talent and devotion? How do we release
ourselves from the chains of old equations and the prison of our
own attachments so that we can concentrate the powers of the heart
on a noble vision that has our name written on it?
Let’s use the month of October to walk in these questions.
Let’s allow old and out-dated needs and wants fall from the
branches of our lives like leaves from the trees - no longer
green, returning to the earth and providing nourishment for new
and vital growth in the seasons to come. Let’s cover the earth
with the red, gold and purple hues of our heart’s true fire.
Happy Autumn!
Denise
P.S. (Happy Thanksgiving to our Canadian friends! May you lift
your glasses high and toast with full and happy hearts on Monday,
the 13th!)
© Denise Bissonnette, October 2003
About Denise...
