Dear Friends and Colleagues,
From my home and workplace to yours, I send you warm December
greetings! Whether it is Christmas, Hannakah, Kwaanza or the
Winter Solstice that you celebrate, my wish for you this month is
that your every thought and deed spring from a serene and
beautiful place. As such, I shall depart from the topic of
livelihood for this special issue and venture instead into the
topic of cultivating a well of inner peace from which true
generosity and deep contentment may flow.
“Peace on earth, goodwill to men”. What lovelier phrase exists
in the English language? Yet, on a macro-scale, we know that peace
eludes us. We often feel impotent to influence peace in the world
– as if we are too small or too powerless to manifest such a dream
in our lifetime. Time will tell if that is so. But what we can
undertake is the very real and practical aim of affecting peace
within ourselves and in our own homes. I share the belief
purported by Gandhi, Mother Teresa and Dr. King, (to name just a
few), who suggested that if we truly want to change the world we
must begin by changing ourselves, and then the street on which we
live. If we wait for peaceful times to lead peaceful lives, there
is no doubt that peace would elude us altogether. What better time
and place for peace to begin than within us? The question I invite
you to ignite in your heart and to warm yourselves by throughout
the month of December is:
How do we bring the quality of serenity and inner peace to our
words and deeds in the midst of our busy and complicated lives,
particularly during the holidays, when it is so easy to become
overwhelmed with the pressures and expectations of the season?
I write this, in part, because I am a bit of a holiday fool – I
love it all – the music, the decorating, the feasting and the
gift-giving. Perhaps I love it too much because what I typically
find by the end of the season is that rather than being the
picture of merriment, I am overspent on every level – not just on
credit cards, but also on a physical, emotional and mental level.
I become so overwhelmed with all that I want to do and give and be
a part of, that I end up stressed, exhausted and often sick. The
truth is that perhaps I have an unhealthy appetite for the
trappings of the season rather than a wholesome respect for the
qualities it is supposed to foster and engender. By giving away my
calm and my serenity, I sabotage the spirit which would make all
other giving and celebrating most meaningful.
This year I encourage you to join me in the radical experiment
of practicing peace - every day - on a personal level, within your
own heart and soul. I am suggesting that we make our day-to-day
choices for the next four weeks based first and foremost on
preserving our own serenity, making our own sense of peace our
first priority – making the impulse to give to ourselves surpass
even the impulse we feel to give to others. For anyone who would
deem such an idea a selfish one, I ask that you consider the
following questions: Do your loved ones feel the difference in
your moods, emotions and actions when you are exhausted and
stressed from when you are well-rested and serene? Do you feel as
if you have more to give when you are feeling calm and at peace or
when you are overextended and overwhelmed? When you have a joyful
song in your hearts, do you think that others can see it in your
eyes, hear it in your voice, and feel it in your touch? Are you
more tolerant, generous a nd open-hearted from a place of peace or
a place of chaos?
I am convinced that committing to our own serenity is the
ultimate gift we can give to everyone around us because it will
change the quality of everything else we do this season. Fatigue
and stress rob the sparkle from our lives and the twinkle from our
eyes. A sense of calm and inner peace invites the best of us to
come to the surface and puts the roses back in our cheeks. It
allows us to be where we are with the best that we have to give.
While there are many things that our friends and family can do
without this holiday season, our wholehearted presence is not one
of them.
Should you decide to take on this assignment, (going where no
person living in the consumer-driven, media-blitzed, holiday
–hyped culture has gone before) – please take the following
suggestions to heart:
1. Know what constitutes inner peace for you.
What does having a sense of inner peace require the presence of
in your life? Is it time alone to reflect, pray or meditate? Is it
a sense of harmony and belonging to something bigger than the eye
can see? Is it a sense of gratitude and abundance for what you
already enjoy rather than a desire for things not within your
grasp? Is it a kind of knowing or a wisdom that no external
circumstances can shake? Is there a spiritual or religious
practice that brings a sense of peace? What must there be an
absence of in your life in order for you to have a sense of inner
peace? Is it stress, unrealistic expectations and stringent
timelines? Is it insincerity, difficult or uncomfortable
relationships, external pressures?
Think of times of the year or times of your life when you have
felt most at peace. What is it about those times that fostered or
invited that feeling? What are the places, sounds, scents or
experiences that fill you with calm and serenity? Once you know
what it means for you, consider what you can do in order to make
your inner home more hospitable to peace as if it were a welcomed
and cherished guest.
2. Guide your spirit towards simplicity rather than
accumulation.
If we wish for a sense of peace and serenity, we can’t at the
same time wish of for ten other things incompatible with it – like
perfectionism, the desire to impress people, or stretching
ourselves too thin. Indeed, we need to be a guardian at the gate
of our desires so that we do not make choices that work against
this primary motive. In practical terms, this may mean being
satisfied with the white tablecloth strewn with pine cones from
the yard rather than an afternoon seeking the perfect pieces for
your Martha Stewart holiday table. It may mean not needing a new
outfit for the office party and the hours it would take to find
it, but being satisfied with what is already in your closet. Do
you catch my drift?
One step I am taking towards simplicity this year is in
relation to what I call “advent bags” that I put together for
twelve special children in my life. Each day of the month they
have a present to open which is wrapped with a piece candy and a
joke. (Do the math – 12 packages multiplied by 24!) This year I
decided that the children’s bags can just as easily begin on Dec.
15th rather than on Dec. 1rst. (A simple choice that lessened the
job by 120 small treasures – Oh, joy to the world!)
3. Take responsibility for the “pauses between notes”.
If your definition of inner peace includes a sense of calm
amidst the daily chaos, this tip is for you. Pianist Artur
Schnabel once noted, “The notes I handle no better than many
pianists. But the pauses between the notes – ah, that is where the
music resides!” Could it be in the resting spaces between all the
things we do in the course of a day that the art of living
resides? Can we transform the discordant noise of the world into
beautiful music simply by paying attention to the pauses between
activities, phone calls, and errands? When we simply race from
thing to thing (note to note) in a frantic attempt to catch up and
keep up, we lose the keys, we misplace the scissors for the
umpteenth time, we lose track of the address book, - my friends,
what we risk losing is ourselves.
So how about we cultivate the habit of taking what I call a
“conscious pause” – while waiting for the microwave to reheat the
coffee, standing in line at the store, waiting for a parking place
at the mall – using such times as a pause between notes where you
allow yourself to remember what is important and disentangle
yourself from the web of activity. By taking “conscious pauses” we
will add little moments of gold that when taken together lend a
sense of peace to our otherwise demanding days. These are the
brief interludes, quick respites, one minute breaks that can make
all the difference in our being able to seize the day before it
seizes us! All it takes is the simplest of gestures to bring us
back to ourselves – be it a glance heavenwards, a bow of the head,
or the folding of your hands. Any gesture can be full of meaning
and power because we can predetermine its meaning. Employing a
conscious pause of just a few seconds puts a little time and space
around our souls and allows them a brief rest.
4. Make sure that the “who’s” in our lives are given priority
over the “what’s”.
I remember with regret a holiday gathering I held last year
while my mother was visiting. It was two days before Christmas and
we invited my aunt and cousins for dinner. I had not seen them in
some time and I really wanted to make the evening special. I spent
the day preparing a fairly elegant spread of hors d’oeuvres and
desserts. The candles were lit, the music was playing and inviting
aromas filled the air. There was only one problem – by the time
they arrived I was completely spent and I had no energy to really
be with them. I realized the next day that I failed to ask one
cousin how her new job was doing, to compliment another on her new
hairstyle, and to remind my aunt how much I love her. Oh, but the
food was grand and the table was stunning! So what!?
In retrospect, I should have ordered a pizza, taken a little
nap before they arrived, and greeted them with the gift of my
vitality and enthusiasm. Surely our presence is the finest present
of all – its absence, the greatest disappointment. I learned my
lesson well - make people more important than the party! When in
doubt, go the easiest route so that you have more of yourself to
give to the people you love!
5. Remember what is important and what is not!
William James once noted that the art of being wise is the art
of knowing what to overlook. We can so easily become distracted
with things that do not deserve the time and attention we give
them. Sometimes we are simply moved by whatever happens to be
loudest or most demanding at the moment. Not that our pursuits are
without importance or value, but if we are not present to them or
aware of what we are doing and why we are doing them, to a degree
we are distracted from what is most important. This causes us to
put last things first – we are quite literally off track when we
allow ourselves to become dis-tracked. We miss the important
moments – the phone call from a friend, the letter written for
your great uncle, the rising moon over water or snow, a remark or
question from a child – we don’t even notice that we have not
noticed.
What unnecessary deadlines or expectations are you giving
yourself that will create stress? What unnecessary deadlines or
expectations are putting on others? Think about who you can give
the gift of peace to in your own family. Can you imagine how your
spouse would respond if you said, “Honey, take this afternoon for
yourself. We really don’t yet another kind of cookie on the
platter. Go put your feet up and read your book, put on a pair of
skates or settle in and watch “White Christmas”. That is what I
want from you today – to see you take some time for yourself.”
What a wonderful and simple gift to give to our loved ones. How do
we remember what is truly important and what is not?
6. Rethink the meaning of generosity – for yourself and towards
others.
What we all know but easily forget is that the spirit in which
we give is more important than the gift. All giving should have a
sacred dimension. Anything that is not given from a sincere place
of generosity and joy is not really a gift at all. Being lavish
and extravagant is not the same as being generous. Giving with a
grudge says “I must”. Giving out of a sense of duty says, “I know
I should.” Giving out of a spirit of true generosity says, “I am
grateful for this opportunity!”
If I had only to choose a small handful of qualities to carry
through life, generosity would definitely be one of them because a
generous spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it. A
generous spirit rejoices in every opportunity to express itself
and wants nothing in return! There are no strings attached. A
generous spirit has no expectations – it requires no thank-you
note, nor even acknowledgment of the gift. Its pleasure is in the
giving, as the apple tree delights in the bearing of its fruit!
Generosity cares little about the size of the gift but cares a
great deal about giving readily and easily of those things that
one treasures for oneself. Generosity is what will make us smile
at the end of the day even when our feet hurt and our backs ache.
Only by being generous to ourselves can we be generous to
others. By giving yourself time alone, time for reflection, a
space in which to stretch the wings of your imagination and fly,
you will have enhanced your capacity to give to everyone around
you. If we want to have hearts that are open all hours, we need to
put the “Closed” sign up in other areas of our lives lest we be
stretched so thin that the texture of our loving provides no real
warmth for anyone on its receiving end. I know that the more
stressed I feel, the least generous I am with my time, my
thoughts, my feelings and my heart. Conversely, when I am rested
and calm I feel kin to the apple tree in my yard – opening my arms
as if they were branches laden with sweet, ripe fruit.
Charles Dickens reminds us, “He who would allows his day to
pass by without practicing generosity and enjoying life’s
pleasures is like a blacksmith’s bellow. He breathes, but does not
live.” My friends, I wish you the kind of peace and calm this
holiday season that originates deep in the belly and emanates as
the very spirit of generosity – the kind that drives other people
crazy and makes them worry that you are too kind-hearted!
Restoring and preserving a sense of peace in ourselves may be just
the miracle out of which all other miracles will be possible –
just a spark of serenity here and a spark of generosity there, and
behold – a crackling fire of love by which to warm our hands and
hearts.
Wishing you a season aglow with peace and love,
Denise
© Denise Bissonnette, December 2003
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