Dear Friends and Colleagues,
Happy September! What a marvelous time of year as we
prepare for the changing of seasons – from long to
shorter days, from hot to cooler temperatures, from the
vibrant palette of endless greens to the golden hues of
yellows, reds and browns. As we accept the inevitability
of change in nature, can we as readily embrace the
phenomenon of change that is implicit in human life? For
as surely as we witness this dramatic and glorious
change of season, this same wondrous and colorful
process is happening within us just as predictably as it
is to the trees in the forest. With or without our
approval, we are part of the never-ending cycle of
transition and change - whether or not we evolve through
the process, however, is optional. We can simply react
to change and circumstance, or we can make conscious
choices by which we learn and grow in each new season of
our lives. This harkens to the spirit of a question I
recently received from a reader:
“Denise, I appreciated the connection you made in the
last two issues of the newsletter between simple daily
choices, the cultivation of habits, and the ways in
which we our erecting our destiny choice by choice,
habit by habit. The way that you presented these ideas
made the idea of personal transformation seem less
daunting, more doable, and easily attainable. As a
career coach, here is my question: How do we assist
people to make the necessary changes in their daily
habits which will help them grow in new ways and create
the lives they say they want? How do we help people see
that they often sabotage themselves by acting in ways
that move them further rather than closer to their
goals? What additional questions, prompts or suggestions
do you have to inspire change in a person’s daily
habits?”
This reader’s wonderful query reminds us that while
awareness of the daily choices and habits shaping our
lives may open the door to personal transformation,
consciousness alone does not carry us over the threshold of
real change. All the ruminating, dreaming, and planning
in the world does not, in fact, create change. Only
moving creates movement – only acting creates action. In
the end, we cannot “think” ourselves into a new growing
season of life – we must actually do some growing. From
where does that final inspiration come that inspires
growth and change? In response to the reader’s question
above, I would like to pick up where I left off in the
last issue, on the subject of the vital, make or break
point we call “commitment” – that power of spirit which
propels out of the dreamy realm of ideas, longings and
wishes, and into the physical realm of decisive choice
and action where real change is possible.
Not only is commitment a primary ingredient in the
recipe for change, it is the spice and substance that
most flavors the stew! We have all experienced the power
of commitment and the rewards it brings. We have
witnessed how everything changes, how nothing is the
same, once we have made a decision and committed to a
value, a belief or to a course of action. We know the
difference between being in a “casual relationship” and
being in a “committed” one. We know the difference
between “trying on” a belief or a viewpoint and actually
committing to the tenets or doctrine of a religion, a
political affiliation or a social movement. It’s the
difference we felt as students when after sampling
classes from a variety of disciplines we finally
committed to a major, setting out on a steady (if not
sensible) course of study. It’s the difference between
entertaining the idea of becoming employed, and knocking
on an employer’s door, or wanting to contribute to a
world hunger project and actually putting a check in the
mail. Whether committing to the starting of a business,
the ending of a relationship, or the resolve to express
one’s creative talents, standing on the solid ground of
commitment we experience firsthand the truth of this
celebrated passage from the great Johann Wolfgang
Goethe:
“Until one is committed there is hesitancy, the
chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning
all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one
elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless
ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely
commits oneself then Providence moves too. All sorts of
things occur to help one that would never otherwise have
occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the
decision raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen
incidents and meetings and material assistance which no
man could have dreamt would have come his way.”
With the likes of such a powerful vision, I offer the
following suggestions as we consider our own commitments
and encourage individuals in their own:
1. Consider the focusing power that comes with
commitment.
One of the most difficult aspects of human life is
the unlimited choices we face at every turn. The rewards
of having committed to something include the stabilizing
power of decision, the focusing power of direction, and
the staying power of stamina and perseverance. Once
committed, we no longer waiver in the face of choices
because our commitment points the way. Once committed,
we harness the combined powers of our will and our
willingness to get off the fence, to pick a lane, and to
leave blasé indifference in the dust. In the same way
you wouldn’t offer a vegetarian a steak or a recovering
alcoholic a drink, commitment sets clear boundaries and
lines of compromise for ourselves and those around us.
Truly committed to a diet, for example, the question of
whether or not to partake in the chocolate cake is a
moot point in the same way that a plane leaving from San
Francisco to Boston does not question whether or not it
will head east. The pilot doesn’t waiver about which
direction to steer the plane once she knows her
destination.
So it is with the focusing power of commitment – with
the destination clear, we become sure-footed on the
journey to whatever it is we have committed to. Even in
this world of chaos and never-ending change, the ability
to make a wholehearted commitment brings a sense of
constancy, consistency and certainty we could not find
in any other way. Our ability to make and keep
commitments may constitute the solidest ground we will
ever have to walk upon as human beings.
2. Rethink the “costs” of making or not making a
commitment.
The whole notion of commitment has gotten a bad rap
in modern culture. It is interesting that few words
carry the same level of emotional impact – particularly
in the realm of relationships. Part of our resistance,
perhaps, comes from the knowing that in order to commit
to one thing, you have to make a choice and “give up”
something else. Making a commitment almost always
requires that we make tradeoffs, even when we would
prefer to keep our options open. The common view of
commitment is succinctly expressed in the popular maxim:
“In commitment, you dash the hopes of a thousand
potential selves.”
I don’t think this message could be further from the
truth. In reality, what more powerful way do we have of
defining ourselves than by the commitments we are
willing to make and not make? By avoiding commitments,
we put ourselves at arm’s length from the true
experience of life, relationships and growth. Through
the commitments we are willing to make, we model and
communicate to ourselves and to the world that which we
value, what we find most important, and what we want our
lives to stand for. Think about the people in your life
who you most admire and I am willing to bet that without
a moment’s hesitation you could identify the values,
principles and tenets to which they are/were most
committed. How do you think the people who matter most
in your life would respond to that question in relation
to you?
3. Identify your current commitments and beware of
the “default mode”.
I ended last month’s issue of the newsletter
suggesting that it is not difficult to assess our
current commitments because they are reflected in our
current life circumstances. We only need to look at how
we use our time, focus our attention, and spend our
money and energy to know what we are most committed to
at this point in our lives. We are always acting out of
commitment to something – consciously or unconsciously.
We may choose to take one job out of a commitment to
“play it safe” or choose the other job out of a
commitment to “continuously stretch and grow.” Either
way, through our choices we are always casting a vote
towards something that we are deeply committed to,
whether it is working for or against our highest
purposes and deepest values.
The danger is when we lose sight of our commitments
or when we are at cross-purposes with ourselves and what
is driving our actions. In any given area of our lives
(e.g., physical, vocational, relational, financial),
when we are not acting out of a conscious sense of
commitment, it is easy to fall into a “default mode” in
which we choose what is easiest, safest, most
convenient, pleasurable or enticing in the moment. In
other words, without really knowing it, we can live out
of a commitment to comfort and surrender without a
second thought to the impulse of immediate
gratification. It is life on “default mode” that derails
us from our desired destination, where we find ourselves
prey to the symptoms of self-sabotage.
Think of areas or aspects of your life where you feel
the most content and/or the most fulfilled and consider
the underlying commitment you live by which has led to
that level of satisfaction. I am willing to bet that
your current level of contentment came at the high price
of willingness, stamina, and perseverance. On the other
hand, consider the underlying commitments that have
driven your choices and actions in those areas or
aspects of your life with which you feel least content?
How could a change in commitment revitalize or renew
that part of your life?
4. In relation to any desired change, assess where
you stand on the “ladder of commitment”.
Any enduring and meaningful change, whether it is of
a daily habit, a lifestyle, or a career move, must be
rooted in a deep, soulful and authentic commitment.
Short of that, we are more likely to experience some
short-lived behavior modification that leaves us
wanting. One key to commitment is to check your motives
behind the desired change as reflected by our language.
While you are probably familiar with some version of
this classic progression of goal-oriented language, read
it again with the idea of climbing a “ladder of
commitment”. For example, for someone who is considering
a job change:
A. Obligation – I should, I have to, I need to
…victims at the mercy of circumstances: “I need to get
out of this job – it is sucking the life out of me!“
B. Prospect – I might, I could consider… taking a
small but significant step out of obligation and into
the realm of possibility: “I suppose I could consider
looking for a new job.”
C. Preference – I’d like to, I want to, I hope to
…movement from looking at options to actually declaring
a desire for doing it: “It would be really nice have a
different job that challenged and excited me more than
this one.”
D. Passion – I can’t wait to, I’d love to, I am
really excited about … unleashing actual enthusiasm and
spirit in relation to the goal: “I am excited about the
idea of creating a new opportunity for myself to really
express and bring my gifts!
E. Plan – I think I will, I intend to, I plan to …
lending focus and direction to passion: “ I plan to look
into possible opportunities soon.”
F. Promise – I am committed to, I have promised to, I
have begun to … providing the power of stamina,
intentionality and perseverance through commitment: “I
am committed to leaving this job for a new opportunity
before the end of the year!”
In relation to various goals, dreams, and desired
changes in your own life, identify where you are on the
ladder of commitment.
5. Commit first, and let courage catch up.
When attempting any change, to move one step closer
to our goals, we need to do something. We need not waste
time and energy worrying about doing the right thing or
the best thing; we most likely need to just do
something. It is strange how when we are not moving, we
are clueless to what our next step should be. But as
soon as you take one step, the next step seems a little
more logical, and at times, even obvious.
There is truth in the Native American adage, “We do
not walk on our legs, but on our will”. Unfortunately we
are often too self-conscious about how we come across,
to simply move out on the wild wave of sheer will. We
would rather wait until we can ride the surer wave of
our talents – tried and true. But in the waiting, we
move no closer to our talents, and time continues to
roll in on life’s shores. The wise sage, Yoda, from the
movie “Star Wars” put it succinctly, “ There is no
try…there is only do.” Show up and do what you can do,
in the manner in which you can do it. That is where we
find the magic of momentum. Where there is true
commitment, courage is not far behind!
Living in a conscious and wholehearted manner
requires that we make, keep, and even renew our
commitments - saying “Yes” to the impulse within us that
wants to grow, to expand, to embrace the largest
possible self, and to make our greatest possible
contribution to the world. We are all working hard and
in so many capacities, it is easy to lose sight of the
core commitments and values in which those efforts are
rooted. Recommitting to what is most important is a
profound way of bringing fresh vitality to whatever our
involvements are, not unlike the couple who renew their
wedding vows after decades of married life. Remembering
that we are “human beings” as opposed to “human doings”,
perhaps we can begin by simply renewing vows to
ourselves about who and what we are most deeply
committed to at the very core of our being. The promises
we make and keep to ourselves color and flavor our every
action in the world. Moving anew from that place of deep
commitment, perhaps we will find that “Providence will
move too…”
Happy Autumn!
Denise
© Denise Bissonnette, September 2004 (If not used for
commercial purposes, this article may be reproduced, all
or in part, providing it is credited to "Denise
Bissonnette, Diversity World -
www.diversityworld.com. " If included in a
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receiving a copy.)
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