Dear Friends and Colleagues,
Think about the last time someone listened to you
“deeply” – not just skimming the surface of your words,
but with a willingness to dive into your meaning. What
was it like to be on the receiving end of someone’s
single-pointed attention, listening not with the intent
to “reply”, but with a posture of communicating heart to
heart, mind to mind, spirit to spirit?
If we take a moment to think about it, among the most
precious moments in our lives are those when we have
felt ourselves to be most deeply understood by another
human being. It is only from that place that we are able
to express our vulnerabilities, our fears, our doubts
and our triumphs. Being listened to is a fundamental
human need, a basic nutrient in our psychological and
emotional well-being. Yet, as Ralph Waldo Emerson
observed, not only is being listened to a rare
experience, “It is”, he said, “no less than a luxury to
be understood.” We know of what he speaks. But as we nod
in agreement with this sad assertion, are we willing to
accept that this is a “luxury” we can readily afford to
other people? Perhaps the gift of presence, of our
undivided attention, is the most under-used of human
resources, one of the least costly, one of the most
freely available, and one of the most powerfully
beneficial gifts we have to share in human community.
Unfortunately, deep listening also happens to be one
of the most difficult things we have to give. Not
because we are uninformed about “how” to listen – after
all, haven’t we all heard the basic principles of
effective listening espoused a thousand times in a
thousand different ways: seek first to understand, then
to be understood; listen not just to the words, but to
everything being expressed; listen for the feelings
behind the facts; prevent misunderstanding by clarifying
what you have heard; demonstrate that you are listening
by using “active listening techniques”, etc. etc., etc.
So, if we already “know how to listen”, why is it so
difficult to put into practice? Here are a few ideas for
becoming more conscious of the challenges of deep
listening, the rewards that come when we achieve it, and
the gift that deep listening returns to both parties who
exchange it.
1. Approach deep listening as more than a skill; it
is a stance, a posture and an attitude!
Our usual listening mode is on the surface of
conversation. We listen for the facts – times, places,
prices, colors, sizes, etc. The truth, thank heavens, is
that surface listening suffices for most of our daily
interaction in the world. In surface listening we need
not engage in an emotional or intellectual level – we
needn’t go below the surface of the words we hear. We
get to stay in the comfort of our heads, in the security
of our own little worlds where we already know
everything. Surface listening requires little of our
presence other than physical proximity to hear, read or
see what is being communicated.
Deep listening is 180 degrees from our normal,
mindless, ordinary way of listening. It means to listen
with your whole being … not just for words, but for
feelings being expressed. This requires us to be fully
present. Deep listening happens from a place inside us …
it is a stance, a posture and an attitude. Deep
listening requires us to enter into an interaction not
knowing how it will unfold. It requires a willingness to
not know what will be said, what you will learn, or who
we will be on the other side of this interaction. It
means sensing the newness (at times awkwardness) of the
moment.
In deep listening we have to trade in our
“know-it-all, heard-it-all, been there-done that,
got-the-T-shirt” pretense for a posture of vulnerability
and humility. In order to listen from this posture of
“not knowing” we must be willing to be completely
stumped – utterly baffled – totally heartbroken, or
simply mesmerized. It is a willingness to be lost and
allowing the other person to help you find your way to
their meaning.
“Active listening techniques” tell us what to do with
our hands, eyes, and physical posture as we listen –
what is much harder to teach is how to find that place
within us, that inner posture that allows us to listen
from the very bones and marrow of our being. In short,
deep listening is extremely challenging because it
requires the qualities that run in short supply in our
fast-paced, over-confident culture - humility,
vulnerability, innocence, and a willingness to learn and
change.
2. Know there are good reasons why we find even
“surface listening” a challenge!
Listening involves our ability to put together three
kinds of information: content (the words being spoken),
verbal (how they are being spoken), and non-verbal (what
the rest of the body is communicating). It is estimated
that only 7% of a message is formed by the actual words
we choose, 38% of the message comes from how they are
said - intonation, pitch, pausing and volume, and 55%
comes from non-verbal gestures like facial and body
gestures, posture and eye contact.
Here’s the problem: we can think four times faster
than we can speak. In normal interpersonal conversation
people usually speak at the rate of 150-250 words per
minute. However, the average person can comprehend
approximately 500 words per minute. This leaves us with
2 to 3 fold the mental time we need to comprehend the
message. What do we do in that time lag? Our minds will
naturally wander in the dead space unless we consciously
focus (and re-focus) our attention.
To make matters worse, linguists tell us that the
normal untrained listener will retain only 50% of a
conversation within the first 24 hours of the
interaction and 48 hours later will only remember 25% of
what was said. While this may not surprise us, what
should deeply disturb us is that fact that we are all
remembering different parts of the same conversation! I
wish I could remember who said this, but one of my
favorite quotes is, “One of the most dangerous aspects
of communication is the illusion that it actually took
place!”
3. Be conscious of how all human interactions re
context-bound!
Our capacity to listen deeply is affected by many
things including our physical and mental energy,
emotions and mood at the time. Our personal preferences,
interests, opinions, needs, and values together form a
“listening filter” of their own. Add to the mix the
intentions, expectations, and pressures that are part
and parcel of the context in which the listening is
taking place. For example, our ability to listening
deeply to someone speaking about their desire to quit a
job will vary drastically depending on whether we are
that person’s boss, job developer, co-worker, spouse,
personal friend or roommate to whom money is owed. It
will also make a difference if we are hearing about it
as we are headed out the door for a meeting or while on
a leisurely stroll, if we have slept or not slept the
night before, and by personal experiences we have had in
our lives in and around quitting a job. Clearly the
stage upon which our human relating is being played out
is complex, mult i-layered and multi-faceted. Obviously,
developing the capacity for deep listening given the
many realities of our day-to-day existence is not for
the faint of heart.
4. Cultivate the fierce discipline of self-awareness
required in deep listening.
Deep listening requires us to tune out of the station
of our mind which is always stating an opinion, jumping
to a conclusion, or readying a response as the other
person is speaking. This is anything but easy and it is
anything but natural. We can’t listen and talk at the
same time and it is hard to turn the voice off in our
heads that wants constant air time! We find it hard to
listen because we keep getting in the way of what we
hear. It’s like trying to have an adult conversation
with a three-year-old at your side vying for your
attention – but we are the three-year-old providing the
distraction!
So how do we get out of our own way… not allowing our
thoughts and inner dialogue to derail our attention?
There are many in the literature on listening who will
espouse the virtues of “remaining neutral” and “using
empathy” – seeing through another’s eyes. While these
are great aims to aspire to, I think it is a myth that
we can remain “neutral” in any situation because we
don’t enter any interaction with a blank slate. I also
don’t think that “seeing through another’s eyes” is any
more possible than breathing their next breath or
swallowing their food. There is just too much that we
can never know about the experience of another person
for us to really believe that we can fully feel
something from their perspective. Ironically,
acknowledging what we do not and can not know about the
other’s experience is a great first step in attempting
empathy.
Rather than attempting to avoid the constant chatter
of our opinions, what if we were to attend to them by
noticing their presence, and then consciously setting
them aside? Perhaps we can lessen the affects of our
“listening filter” by being vigilant in our awareness of
it and hearing through our own opinions and judgments.
We probably can’t stop the intrusion of our thoughts,
biases and opinions, but by being aware of them we can
neutralize their affect by not giving them center stage.
5. Notice “who” is doing listening and the intent
behind it.
The question that may be most helpful in our attempt
to listen deeply, is to ask ourselves “who” it is that
is doing the listening. Are we listening as a parent,
judge, or boss – evaluating what is being said so that
we can lend a voice of authority to the situation? Are
we listening as the case manager or counselor who
intends to lead or guide the person down a certain path
due to what we (or the system) thinks is best? Are we
listening as the helper or the supporter who just really
wants to make the other person feel good about what they
are saying? Are we being there to solve a problem,
investigate, convince, persuade, inspire, transform,
inform, commiserate, sympathize, or invoke the other
person to somehow get a life?
Notice, that in all of the examples above, we are
listening with a particular intent to reply, and in
doing so, we are primarily listening to ourselves the
entire time! Even in a genuine desire to be of help, we
typically allow the analytic mind to stay on top of it
all, overriding the stance of the unknowing but
open-hearted stance from which we can be the most help.
In our zeal to be of help, we may lessen our ability to
listening deeply enough for the other person to be heard
and for us to learn something we did not already know.
I am not suggesting that these various roles are not
helpful or effective in context. After all, sometimes we
seek counsel from a person whose perspective we respect
and other times we pay people to evaluate our situation
from a particular point of view. There are also
occasions when all we want is pure unadulterated
support. The point is, wouldn’t our communications be
better served if the intent with which we are listening
matched the needs of the person who is speaking to us?
What if we were to ask something like; “How do you want
me to be listening right now? Do you want my opinion,
some advice, or clarification? ‘Who’ do you want doing
the listening right now?”
6. Beware of how we habitually tune people out!
I once asked a group of workshop participants to make
a list of annoying behaviors people exhibit when they
know they are not really being listened to and it
included: they do all the talking; they interrupt while
I am speaking; they make me feel like I’m wasting their
time; they appear preoccupied by looking away; they stay
on the surface of the conversation or problem; they
attempt to put words into my mouth; they keep rephrasing
what I am saying to suit their own purposes; they answer
my questions with other questions; they play the brick
wall and mentally block out my words; they pretend to
listen to me by nodding their heads and saying, “Uh-huh,
Uh-huh”, not really hearing what I have to say.
As I discuss in my training on, “30 Ways to Shine as
a New Employee”, we all use these annoying tune-out
behaviors some of the time, we just employ different
behaviors with different people, even when we are not
aware we are doing it! Who do you play the brick wall
with, knowing that there is no need to really listen,
because you are already convinced of what is going to
come out of their mouth? Who do you just “pretend” with
because there is no use wasting your time in trying to
swing their vote another way? Who sets you to
daydreaming because, well, they are always so generous
with details!
We need to remember that when we dismiss a person’s
words, they can feel dismissed as a person. That may not
be our intent, but it can easily be the result of our
ordinary surface listening.
7. As with any precious resource, dispense the gift
of deep listening discriminately.
Deep listening can take an enormous amount of time
and energy – some of our most precious resources. In the
same way that we do not feel obliged to give money to
anyone and everyone who asks for it, we need not feel
obliged to invest our listening resources on anyone and
everyone who asks for them. We’ve all had people in our
lives who continually bend our ear, oblivious to whether
or not it is the right time or place for us to be having
the conversation. We have also had people talk to us
about the same thing they have been talking about since
we can remember – the carousel conversation that just
goes round and round and round. Or how about the person
who wants to talk about something that you find
inappropriate or makes you feel uncomfortable?
The plain and simple truth is that there are times we
cannot and do not want to be in the position of
listening deeply! Deep listening is a gift that can only
be given from a generous and responsive place within us.
To expect ourselves to go there at any time, at any
place, and for anyone, is to disrespect the gift. We
have to be honest with ourselves and other people in
order to honor and preserve the place from which this
comes. We have to muster the courage to use and become
comfortable with statements like: “I’m sorry, this is
not a good time for me to talk”, or, “Patrice, I know
that this is a really tough situation for you. I am
afraid that after all the times we have spent discussing
this, I have not been successful at helping you resolve
it. I don’t think I can help you with this one.”
When you feel that you are in a dead-end
conversation, it may be helpful to ask questions that
serve as a door, inviting people into a different room –
a different conversational style. For example, “Would it
be helpful to you if I asked you some questions?” Or,
“Would you like me to share my perspective with you?”
Recently while in the midst of sharing a painful
situation with a dear friend, she astounded me with the
simplest of questions, “Denise, what do you need from me
right now?” It was a beautiful moment of feeling both
deeply heard and cared for.
Can you imagine what it would be like to live in a
world in which deep listening was a primary value
reflected in relationships on all levels – among family
members, teachers and students, employers and employees,
Republicans with Democrats, among followers of different
religions, among nations with nations? Clearly, it would
be a different world. It is said that we can only hate
that which we do not understand. The bridge to all
understanding is deep listening – not the ordinary kind
in which we pick up pieces of an echo resounding from
the opposite shore. We have to put down the armor of our
fixed opinions, steadfast beliefs and personal agendas
and listen with a willingness not only to learn, but
with a willingness to change. May we be so blessed with
the courage, the compassion and the consciousness
required to grow in our capacity to listen deeply.
Who knows, my friends, in the grace of such a
commitment, what we might hear, what we may learn, and
who we may become!
- Denise
© Denise Bissonnette, October 2004 (If not used for
commercial purposes, this article may be reproduced, all
or in part, providing it is credited to "Denise
Bissonnette, Diversity World - www.diversityworld.com."
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would appreciate receiving a copy.)
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