Dear Friends and Colleagues,
I was recently approached by a member of an audience
to whom I had just delivered a keynote speech with the
following question: “Denise, you talk about the
importance of honoring and celebrating the human spirit
at the heart of each person (ourselves included) in
order to bring our best gifts to the world and to
encourage others to bring their gifts. My question is
how do you get to the “spirit” of people who have very
low self esteem, little self-confidence, and who do not
believe that they even have gifts to give the world?
Isn’t talk about “honoring the human spirit” a little
premature given that we are pulling people from the very
trenches of their lives?”
This question has stirred in me like the persistent
November wind, prompting contemplation of our popular
notions of self-esteem and what it means to honor the
human spirit. I am grateful for this beautiful query and
feel it is important enough to dedicate an issue of this
newsletter to a considered response.
I have long been of the belief that of all the
barriers to employment faced by the individuals who need
assistance none are greater than the lack of
self-esteem. No circumstance or external factor can do
the damage or hold a person back more profoundly than
the lack of self-esteem; while conversely, the presence
of it can have immense power. Haven’t we all been
witness time and again to individuals who overcame great
odds, who, even in the most dire of circumstances, had
the presence of mind, body and spirit to reach for and
rise to something different? No doubt, many of you
reading this are among those unsung heroes.
While an assessment of a person’s circumstances is
important, a far more telling factor in a person’s
vocational success is their response to questions like
the following: What do you want in life? What are your
gifts and where do you plan to give them? What do you
love, care about, and value deeply? What are you willing
to do to create the life you want? The extent to which
factors such as having a disability, being on welfare,
having a criminal record, being dislocated from a job,
or recovering from substance abuse problem are actually
going to be “barriers” is in direct relation to how it
has affected a person’s sense of hope, belief and
courage. I remember working with refugees who, having
seemingly lost everything – family, friends, homeland,
as well as their chosen professions - survived with a
greater sense of vision for their futures than I am at
times able to muster for my own. In response to the
question posed to me, I would say that not only is it
not prematur e to look to the “spirit” of a person who
is in the trenches of their life experience, it is the
most obvious and appropriate starting point!
In considering some of the most difficult challenges
we have faced and overcome, my bet is that what enabled
us to keep on truckin’ when the going got tough had more
to do with the “strength of our spirit’ than our current
level of self-esteem! The truth is that at low points of
our lives, self-esteem is typically in short supply!
Difficult life circumstances do not generally inspire a
sense of feeling good about ourselves or confidence in
our powers – sentiments typically associated with
self-esteem. Mercifully, what we may be able to muster
in the tough times is a sense of self-honoring,
self-preservation, and/or self-love – gifts of the human
spirit. What enables us to seek out and accept
assistance is a question of spirit – that place at the
source of our being that says “I want to survive”, “I am
worth the effort”, “ I am not going to give up”,
“Regardless of what is happening, I matter!”
As I am oft-apt to do, I would like to suggest some
changes in our thinking about and our use of language in
and around the issue of “raising self-esteem”. Among
them are the following:
1. Look towards the goal of “wholesome selfhood”
before trying to arrive at self-esteem.
Most of the popular books, seminars and programs that
fall under the category of “self-improvement” (including
raising self-esteem) deal with our social self – the
part of us that we show the world in the mask of
emotions, habits and personality. Once in a while we
will come by a book or a program which will help us
delve into the world of our private self where our
secret hopes and fears dwell, where our self-image and
our picture of who and what we think we are lives.
Intimacy and self-knowledge on both these levels is
important. Rarely, however, do we find assistance in
looking seriously at our deepest or truest self – the
one that is connected to our divine nature, the one that
houses the soul and the spirit.
Our deepest person is the self that we are often
strangers to and would benefit most from befriending.
The more we are able to relate to ourselves as spiritual
beings, the better we will be able to relate to one
another on the level of our values, convictions and
purposes. It is only on the soul level that we
appreciate our intrinsic value and worth, knowing that
we are whole and complete just as we are, that we have
infinite potential, and are connected to something
bigger and greater than ourselves. When we cultivate a
love for our own souls, we are more apt to speak up for
ourselves even when it is not easy to do so, to muster
the courage to take risks, and to bring our gifts to the
world.
Clearly we all play many roles and functions in our
lives and each context invites a different part of
ourselves to emerge. In order to be true to our deepest
selves, however, we need to have one true self at the
core of all of the roles we play. In my mind, this is
impossible without what I would call “wholesome
selfhood.” When we are honest, open, and able to look
face to face with ourselves as we are right now,
self-esteem may not be the first obvious result. After
all, we may not have reason to feel especially positive
about the choices we’ve been making, the circumstances
we have created in our lives, nor the way we have
responded to the things life has thrown our way. But
even when we are not particularly pleased with
ourselves, even when self-esteem is in the proverbial
gutter, is it not possible to muster is a sense of
self-worth, self-wisdom, self acceptance, self-respect,
self-discovery, self trust, self-honesty, self-care, and
self reliance? The deeper we sta nd in this “wholesome
selfhood”, the less we need to deny any part of
ourselves, and the more at home with ourselves we
become. It is from this holy place that we can extend,
even to our sorriest of selves, the compassion we so
easily and earnestly extend to other people!
To those readers working towards the goal of helping
others attain self-sufficiency, self-determination and
self–reliance, I beg the question, how does one attain
such inner resources without a sense of wholesome
selfhood first? Isn’t that putting the cart before the
horse?
2. Reframe the “goal of achieving self-esteem” to “a
process of esteeming oneself”.
We need to change our language in and around self
esteem! Consider how we speak about it - “I have low
self-esteem or high self-esteem.” “If only our clients
had more self-esteem.” Hundreds of books have been
written about it, classes and seminars are offered
around the globe professing how to attain it. Clearly
loads of time, energy and money are spent in pursuit of
it. Self-esteem is touted as a specific thing, a place
of arrival - a mountaintop kind of place we are supposed
to reach and plant the flag – a promised land of sorts.
Some suggest getting there requires going back into the
past to try to heal old images of self. Others advise
that we catapult our thoughts and vision into the future
and create an inspiring self-image in which to grow.
Regardless of the endless variety of methods to help us
attain it, there seems to be agreement in our culture
that we all need it – what is not clear is whether or
not we could ever have enough of it!
I am of the mind that self-esteem can only happen in
the present and must be treated as a process rather than
a product. The wise and wonderful Ursula LeGuin once
noted, “Love doesn’t just sit there like a stone; it has
to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new.”
I believe that self-esteem, too, is more like bread than
stone – requiring the ongoing kneading of our awareness,
understanding and relationship with self. Think about it
- esteem, by itself, is a verb, meaning “to highly
respect”. Verbs are action words, implying an
ongoingness, a never-endingness. They reflect process,
much like living, growing and changing.
What if we were to think in terms of “esteeming
ourselves”, one day at a time, to the extent we are
able, exactly where we are? What if we demystified the
whole notion of self-esteem by imagining a path lying at
the ground of our being which simply invites us to honor
ourselves? Welcome on this path are our past, present
and future, our sorrows and joys, our triumphs and
tribulations, our flaws and frailties, as well as our
beauty and brilliance. No part of us is exempt from
self-honoring. If we could value and respect ourselves
exactly where we are and all that brought us to this
point, wouldn’t a deeper sense of wholesome selfhood
emerge?
3. Focus on practicing the qualities and behaviors
typically associated with self-esteem.
While self-esteem is not a substance or a product we
can readily point to or measure in any real way, it is
not difficult to identify the qualities and behaviors
associated with one who esteems oneself. I would include
the following list of attributes or abilities among
them. As you read them, assess your own level of
“wholesome selfhood” as it is reflected in the following
ten characteristics:
- Defines oneself by “who” one is rather than by what
one has, does, or looks like.
- Has a sense of solid ground from which to make
choices rather than creating distractions, acting
indecisively, or looking to others to make their
choices.
- Has a strong sense of personal power to handle
whatever the world dishes up rather than surrendering to
a feeling of powerlessness in a chaotic world.
- Expresses a calm confidence with a balanced view of
one’s strengths and weaknesses rather than downplaying
or over-playing accomplishments.
- Is willing to express one’s own opinion rather than
agreeing with others for the sake of not rocking the
boat.
- Sets one’s own standards for success and joy rather
than competing with and comparing oneself to others.
- Is open, curious and teachable rather than always
having to be right and in control, or feeling victimized
and unable to express oneself.
- Shows a willingness to be with and learn from the
whole spectrum of emotions rather than selectively
ignoring them or being overwhelmed by them.
- Learns from mistakes rather than ignoring, denying,
or obsessing about them.
- Cares more about expressing one’s gifts than
impressing other people.
4. Employ situational self-esteem to hone the
practice of “wholesome selfhood”, leading to core
self-esteem.
As I assessed my own level of self-esteem as
reflected in those ten characteristics, I realize that
the extent to which I am able to esteem myself is
somewhat like the tides, it has its ebb and flow. There
are circumstances in which I am able and comfortable in
maintaining many of the attributes on the list and I
admit that in other circumstances I find them hard to
muster. While I aspire to be the kind of person who is
rock solid in confidence, character and conviction, I
admit that is not always so. I think that the seeds of
self-esteem within us need healthy environs in which to
germinate and grow as much as sunflower seeds. Lay the
sunflower seed on plastic, and alas, it will persist in
being a seed. Place it in dark and healthy soil, and you
will be witness to a little of miracle of green as it
begins to grow.
I suppose there is such a thing as “situational
self-esteem” – an out-growth of circumstances which
foster and invite our best and truest self. Experienced
over a period of time, it may grow tall and strong
enough to show its face in alternate situations and
evolve into “core self-esteem” which is no longer
dependent upon circumstances to stand strong. I find it
fascinating that while I am totally comfortable speaking
in front of large crowds, when I am a participant in
someone else’s class, my heart races and pounds with the
very idea of raising my hand to pose a question or to
make an observation. Have I lost “self-esteem” from one
situation to another? I don’t think so. I just think
that my comfort with and confidence in the various
qualities and attributes I listed above vary from
context to context.
We certainly know how true that is with the people in
our lives. There are individuals whose presence inspires
us to blossom, much like sunlight to the garden. There
are others in whose presence we stay tight in the bud of
our being. We call the first group our friends, and
thank God for them! It is important to put ourselves in
the company of those who nurture and celebrate our core
selves as often as we can. In the company of people who
really see and honor our spirit – our truest and deepest
self- we are encouraged and inspired to bring our best
to the world. But those who fall in the second category
are important as well, as they help us hone the ability
to bring our own sense of warmth and nourishment to the
situations in which we find ourselves. They help us grow
us too, just in a different way! When we find ourselves
in the presence of people who cause us to question
ourselves, compare ourselves to others, or surrender our
power, we have to dig deep down to stay connected to our
roots. In my experience, this fierce discipline takes a
lifetime to master, but its mastery would be worthy of a
lifetime of effort!
I am going to pick up on the theme of “self-care” in
a subsequent issue of this newsletter as it is
fundamental in fostering both a sense of wholesome
selfhood as well as self-esteem. But for now, I leave
you with a challenge and a promise. The challenge is to
live these next weeks in what Maya Angelou calls a
“poetic existence” - taking responsibility for the air
you breathe and the space you take up, being present in
all of your thoughts and deeds while cherishing yourself
at the deepest core of your being, grateful just for the
gift of being alive. My promise is that to the extent
that we are able to do that for ourselves, deep down and
in a true way, we will not be able to do anything but
that with those with whom we live, work and serve. Of
all the gifts we have to give this world, what more
precious gift could we possibly have to offer others
than to make them feel valued, lovable, and cherished?
Is their a finer gift?
In honor of and thanksgiving for the wondrous spirit
within each of us,
- Denise
© Denise Bissonnette, November 2004 (If not used for
commercial purposes, this article may be reproduced, all
or in part, providing it is credited to "Denise
Bissonnette, Diversity World - www.diversityworld.com."
If included in a newsletter or other publication, we
would appreciate receiving a copy.)
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