Dear Friends and Colleagues,
What a profound time this is in our lives and for our
world. Here we are in the first month of the year,
laying out fresh promise and new possibility before us.
January invites us to recommit to our deepest values and
intentions, to realign ourselves with our dreams and
purposes, to reexamine the life we are living, and to
re-envision the person we are still to become. It is
difficult (and awkward) to muster the pioneering spirit
for this vigorous “new year exercise” in the face of the
loss, grief and devastation suffered by hundreds of
thousands of our human family in Southeast Asia The
tragedy facing the world as a result of the December
26th tsunami has challenged us on a global level,
raising questions of how we can pull together as one
human family to support and aid those in need. But we
are affected individually, as well, as we once again
witness the powerful forces of Mother Nature, reminding
us in no uncertain terms that our presence on this
planet is tenuous at best, and that life can never, for
a single moment, be taken for granted!
While it felt almost sacrilegious to turn my
attention to my own personal goals and aspirations for
the new year in face of others’ catastrophic loss, on
second blush, it hit me that there is no more powerful
place for me to invest my time and energy than in the
only place I actually have power – in the life I am here
to live, or as Voltaire put it, “in the garden that is
mine to tend”. Among ways of honoring those who lost
their lives and whose lives are turned upside down by
this tragedy, wouldn’t a natural place to start be in
revaluating the preciousness of life in general, and of
our own lives in particular? In that spirit, I would
like to pick up where I left off in the last issue of
this newsletter, on the tender and terribly important
subject of self-care.
In the last issue I suggested that we replace the
traditional concept of “raising self-esteem” to the idea
of “esteeming oneself” – thinking in terms of an ongoing
process of honoring, nurturing and valuing oneself,
regardless of how good or proud one feels about their
present circumstances. Self-esteem, as a noun, can be
difficult to achieve and maintain, especially at those
times when we’ve not been making choices based in our
best thinking. But basic self-honoring and self-valuing
is a great place to start in growing into deeper and
friendlier relationship with oneself, perhaps leading to
the lovely place of actually esteeming the person on the
other side of looking glass. It begins with basic
self-care, self-nurturing, and (dare I say it),
self-love.
Let me begin with a few beliefs regarding self-care
that I hold to be irrefutable. Consider the extent to
which you agree or disagree with the following
“self-first” precepts:
- All of our relating in the world starts with the
self. If we do not love ourselves, we can not love
another in a healthy and wholesome way. If we are not a
friend to ourselves, we have little to offer in
friendship with another. With little respect for
ourselves, how can we respect others? We cannot belong
or commit to anyone or anything else, until we fully
belong or commit to ourselves. The quality of the
relationship we have with ourselves affects the quality
of our every relationship.
- Until we make peace with and accept who and what we
are, we’ll never be content with what we do, have or
achieve. If we do not find peace in ourselves, we will
never find it anywhere outside ourselves.
- Beauty, joy and true contentment have little to do
with outward appearances and external circumstances and
everything to do with being comfortable in our own skin,
speaking in our truest voice, and following our deepest
longing.
- Caring and nurturing for oneself in a way that
centers us in a wholesome way in our own lives is not
the same as what we know as self-centeredness,
self-indulgence or selfishness.
- When we ignore our inner life - the desires of our
spirit, the longings of our hearts and the prompting of
our souls - we have less to give to others, including
work, family and friends. Our ability to interact and
participate in the world is in direct proportion to the
health and vitality of our inner landscape. In that way,
self-care is a gift we give to everyone and everything
else we truly care about.
- Self-care means taking time and actually tending to
the needs of the self with things like solitude, sleep,
fun, walking, creative expression, or diligence in a
spiritual practice. It’s not that buying a new outfit or
treating ourselves to a little self-indulgence will hurt
us, but real self-care is about investing the time and
attention to nurture the inner self.
- Selflessness serves to deplete are energy and
resources, sucking the well dry, while self-care and
self-love boosts our immune system – allowing us to feel
more generous with the world around us because we have
more to give, and from a more wholesome place to bestow
our gifts.
- We are the only ones who can know our true worth.
As such, we are the only ones capable of doing the work
of following, growing and bestowing our unique gifts to
the world.
I doubt very much that one would argue those seven
points. In fact, I bet you could expand upon my list a
hundred-fold! And yet, as important, fundamental and
basic as these “self-first” precepts seem, our culture
does little to support or nurture much less promote the
idea of self-care. If you look at the life most of us
are living, it is clear that self-care is far from a
priority. Rather than being the meat and potatoes in our
diet (sorry for the analogy, vegetarians), self-care is
relegated to being more of a side-dish, a relish, or
perhaps an occasional dessert. I believe that our lives
suffer for the lack of or limits to our self-care and I
know that our relationships, in and outside of work,
suffer for it too. I offer the following suggestions in
rethinking the notion of self-care, and making it more
if a priority in our lives.
1. Befriend yourself - begin with self-acceptance.
There’s a lot of talk about reinventing ourselves –
new bodies, careers, and homes. Some even go even so far
as to go under the knife to change their face and body
parts. And while there is nothing wrong with trying to
improve ourselves, there is a problem with trying to
change the essence of who we are. We can change the
conditions of our lives, but still, we must face the
same person in the mirror every day. With no game
playing, we must take off our masks and be real. If we
are to truly care and nurture ourselves in a way that
allows us to bring our best to the world, we need to
shake hands and walk hand in hand with ourselves. After
all, as my beloved mother-in-law, Felicia, was fond of
saying, “Why run or hide from ourselves – who else is
there better to be?”
Self-acceptance is the beginning of personal growth
and transformation. In accepting ourselves, we face the
facts about our flaws and frailties as well as our
beauty and brilliance. In this acceptance, we come home
to the self, knowing we are loved for exactly what who
and what we are, respecting ourselves for where we are
rather than in comparison for where we wish to be. This
homecoming is only possible when we are at peace with
what we have and what we do not have, what we are and
what we may never be, ways in which we champion the
world, and ways in which we are deeply challenged. It is
when we accept who we really are that we can take steps
to become what we would become.
I speak from personal experience in saying that as I
have become less of a stranger to myself, I feel less
estranged from others. In accepting my own shortcomings,
I find myself more tolerant and understanding, less
judgmental of other people’s. As we stop being a
stranger to ourselves we are less estranged from others;
as we extend compassion to ourselves, we are more
compassionate with the world around us.
2. Reverse the “golden rule”.
The Golden Rule reminds us, “Do unto others as you
would have others do unto you.” This statement assumes
that we are in a healthy and compassionate relationship
with ourselves and asks that we extend equal generosity
to others! But for most people in our culture whose
sense of self has been suppressed or devalued, the true
revolution lies in reversing it: Do unto yourself as you
would do unto others! Think about it: Would you speak to
your best friend the way you speak to yourself? Would
you put the same kind of expectations on a co-worker or
an employee that you put on yourself? Would you advise
your children to care for their health and well-being in
the way you care for your own? Would you offer the same
kind of counsel and guidance to your job seekers that
you yourself follow in cultivating your own livelihood?
To the extent that you would answer “yes” to the above
questions, the golden rule would apply beautifully. To
that extent, however, you would respond to th e
questions above less enthusiastically, perhaps you might
try reversing it!
3. Replace the “approval-seeking habit” with the
habit of self-approval.
Most of us grew up trained to do whatever we do in
order to gain the acceptance and approval of other
people. We were told to do well at school in order to
please the teacher, who may then reward us with a good
grade, buying us more good points at home. How often
were we urged to study for the pleasure of learning
something new? We learned to look good, sound good, and
do good mainly to please the people around us. But
rarely were we appreciated for being “intrinsically”
valuable just as we were.
Being the astute learners we are, we took this same
“outside-in” approach as adults and continued to measure
our worth on circumstances outside ourselves like
employment status, economic status, weight, age, hair
color, etc. It is nothing less than a harrowing
undertaking to kick that “approval-seeking habit” and I
am here to testify that it is a lifelong undertaking at
that! But only those choices and habits undertaken to
please ourselves will increase our feelings of value and
respect.
I do not grow in esteem by shaping my life to suit
the expectations of other people. I grow in esteem when
I live my life in accordance with my own values,
desires, and cherished principles! When I make choices
based on my own immediate gratification, I don’t
necessarily earn self-approval. Each of us know in the
privacy of our own hearts what earns our self-approval,
and every time we make that kind of choice we grow in
esteem and respect for ourselves.
4. Undertake the role of Resource Manager!
There is so much to do, be, and experience in life
and so many people, places and pleasures calling to us
from all sides! We are tugged and pulled in the numerous
roles we play in work, family, community, friendship,
etc. As a result we feel over-spent, over-tired,
over-worked - in a word, overwhelmed! And all for one
very good reason! Not because we didn’t have enough
time, energy or money, but because we did not manage the
expenditure of these resources that were available to
us! What if we seriously undertook the role of Resource
Manager in our own lives and began making daily choices
based on responses to questions like the following:
- What is it I am doing (at home/at work/in
community) that is really bringing the results I want?
What am I doing that is a waste of my resources?
- What saps my energy and what replenishes it? What
drains my vitality and what boosts it?
- What distractions could I eliminate from my life?
- What would I have to do to live more in accord with
my own natural rhythm rather than trying to accommodate
to the world’s pace?
- What can I do on a daily/weekly/monthly basis to
renew and replenish my sense of personal power?
5. Be the Guardian at the Gate!
We are social animals, and as such, we participate as
fully as we can with the world around us as parents,
family members, neighbors, friends, co-workers,
employees, church members, citizens, etc. Being in
relationship to so many people and in such varying
capacities both adds to and complicates our lives. To
each relationship we bring and are brought an entire set
of problems, opportunities, pressures and expectations.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we had a guardian at the gate of
our lives who filtered and screened the constant
onslaught of stimuli, information, and requests brought
to our door?
Good news – there is such a guardian and it is you!
We get to decide everyday what calls we take, what calls
we make, what we agree to and what don’t agree to. We
decide what information is coming at us from our
televisions, radios, and through the newspapers we
choose to read or not read. We filter the conversations
we are willing to enter or remove ourselves from. What
if we were to take this role of guardian at the gate
more seriously and make daily choices based on responses
to questions like the following:
- Who makes me feel “less than” in any way with whom
I need to limit my time?
- Who are the people who add to the quality of my
life who I am happy to let through my gate?
- How do I learn to say “no” when I mean “no” and
only agree to things that are a true “yes”?
- What boundaries do I need to set for myself that
will enhance my sense of well-being?
- What boundaries do I need to set in relation to
other people which will enhance my sense of well-being?
- To the degree that my life has its own “holy
ground”, what do I allow to enter that sanctuary and
what do I need to remove or refuse to let enter?
6. Be the Keeper of the Flame!
As Pierre de Chardin wisely reminds us, “We are not
human beings having a spiritual experience, we are
spiritual beings having a human experience.” It is easy,
however, to forget the needs of the spirit when we are
caught up in the daily grind of everyday living! But as
Walt Whitman suggested, “Each man must be his own
priest”. I think he is urging us to be the keepers of
our own “flame” – the source of our being, the soul, the
spirit – the place at our deepest core from where we
draw vitality, meaning, purpose, joy and our connection
to the divine. We can’t take an x-ray of the flame, but
we know when it is high – these are the moments we are
most alive, generous, and in love with the world! When
the flame is high we see possibilities rather than
problems, acting out of an attitude of abundance rather
than scarcity. When the flame is high we are more
willing to take chances, making choices out of hope and
love rather than fear and dread. When our spirits are
aflame, we hold nothing back, wanting to share our
deepest treasure with the world rather than playing
small and slinking back in the shadows. So what if we
lived as if the most important job we could ever have in
life was to keep our own flame burning high? This is
what I know – our experience of life would completely
change and the world would be a totally different place!
What if we were to take the role of the Keepers of the
Flame more seriously and made daily choices based on
responses to questions like the following:
- How do I know when my spirit is barely flickering
and my flame is burning low? What are the signs?
- What lifts my spirits, not in a superficial,
temporary way, but in a way that endures even through
times of trouble or stress?
- What inspires me to do, be and act in alignment
with my highest purposes and my deepest dreams? What
depletes my spirit and causes me to act in ways that
does not serve me in a soulful way?
- What daily habits or practices could I cultivate
that could help me focus my attention, thought and
energy in the direction of my soul’s purpose and intent?
- What can I do to help myself remember my core
nature and to honor, nurture and celebrate that part of
me that is connected to the divine?
7. Be ta Loyal Apprentice to the Self!
Writer and poet Roger Housden warns us, “If we never
wake up to the deeper current that is actually living in
us, we shall end our days wondering what the flicker of
our life was for; and why it didn’t go out sooner.” I
think “waking up to the deeper current” involves a deep
kind of listening and attending to the self. All of the
previous roles I have suggested in pursuit of self-care
assume that we are in control – managing our resources,
guarding our gates, rekindling our flames. But I think
true self-care also respects the self as a teacher from
whom we are willing to surrender and learn in this
mysterious and mystifying stream that is life!
Being a loyal apprentice to oneself means shifting
the goal of bettering ourselves to simply “becoming
ourselves”. This is no easy venture in a culture that
expects us to reengineer and reinvent ourselves at every
turn – maneuvering our every move on the great chess
board of life! But as I write in The Wholehearted
Journey, “Sometimes our lives seem to live us, as if
they possess their own bizarre momentum. We may set out
on a journey of our own making, but in the end, our
experience is finally determined by the journey itself.
I have come to believe that is how the world gives birth
to our souls. We are being born as we walk.”
What if we were to undertake the role of Loyal
Apprentice to the Self and make choices based on
responses to questions like the following:
- Who am I becoming? Am I simply growing older, or am
I ripening into something sweet and substantial?
- How do I keep the joy of growth and self-discovery
alive?
- How do I muster the ongoing courage to continually
say “yes” to the unknown?
- How do I pursue my innermost passion and fiery
purposes with wholeness of heart and singleness of mind?
- How do I let go of old images of myself so that I
can become the person I am meant to become?
- What am I learning from my present circumstances,
challenges and choices?
- How do I develop the discipline to sit at the feet
of my life and learn what it has to teach me?
- How do I quiet the noise from the outside world
enough to listen to the fundamentals of my own being?
- How do I match the longing of my heart to be who I
am with the discipline of discovering who that is?
Perhaps like many of you, learning to love, honor and
care for myself continues to be a journey with its fair
share of twists and turns – it is not a straightforward
path. Perhaps that is because, up until my forties, I
craved the attention and love from those around me more
than I have craved the deep satisfaction that comes from
loving and attending to myself. But I have come a long
way and the one I see in the mirror is far more friend
than foe – I look now with softer eyes, with more
compassion and less criticism. I also notice that I
enjoy my own company more, delight in thinking my own
thoughts, and savor more of life’s simple pleasures.
There are times when it is enough that I am in love with
the blue of sky and the faithfulness of my flowers in
their garden, whether in the stage of blooming or
wilting. But ah, if only I could care for myself as I do
for my flowers – what garden could I make of my life?
As we begin to practice true self-care and see the
beauty in and possibility for ourselves, I believe a
natural off-shoot will be to see more beauty in and
possibility for others. What more important business do
we have on this earth than to help the individuals with
whom we live and work to feel more lovable, more
valuable and more worthy of respect? May we join in a
virtual circle of purposefulness and support in this
sacred and all-important task!
With warm wishes for a wonderful new year,
- Denise
© Denise Bissonnette, January 2005 (If not used for
commercial purposes, this article may be reproduced, all
or in part, providing it is credited to "Denise
Bissonnette, Diversity World - www.diversityworld.com."
If included in a newsletter or other publication, we
would appreciate receiving a copy.)
Learn more about Denise... 
