Dear Friends and Colleagues,
It would seem from the tremendous response to last
month’s issue on “Cultivating Courage by Befriending Fear”,
I have hit upon a subject close to the heart of many
readers. Many took comfort from the words of Krishnamurti
that “the only courage that matters is the kind that will
get us from moment to moment.” Clearly moment-to-moment
courage is easier to muster than the kind that would send us
headlong – bold, brave and brazen - into an indefinite and
unknown future. Everyday courage is to be cultivated bit by
bit, day by day, sometimes hour by hour, rather than to be
seized up all at once and harnessed for a lifetime. Each
time we face a challenge, we draw on fresh courage in order
to take that next step or to make that new choice that it
calls for.
In keeping with this theme, it is fitting that we turn
our attention to the persistent weed in the garden of our
thoughts that, when left to its own devices, readily chokes
the life from the tender bud of courage: Worry. Think about
it. Wouldn’t we be more apt to make vocational changes if we
weren’t so worried about ever finding another good job?
Wouldn’t the likelihood of having that courageous
conversation with a co-worker or a friend increase if we
didn’t worry so much that it would completely ruin the
relationship? Would we consider allowing our son or daughter
to be the designated driver on Friday night if we weren’t so
convinced that every drunk driver will be on the same road,
at the same time, all headed in the same direction that very
evening? We might even get healthy, save money, or give up
any number of destructive habits if we weren’t so worried
that, like all the other times we tried and failed, the
change will be short-lived.
Perhaps what often gets in the way of our making the
“stretching choice” rather than the safe choice (discussed
in the Feb. issue) is not a lack of courage, but the
presence of white hot fear ignited from the sparks of our
own careless and reckless worrying. To the extent that we
wish to nurture courage, we need to learn to manage our
thoughts and kick the habit of worrisome thinking! What I am
suggesting here is not so much that we turn “negative
thinking” into “positive thinking”, but rather, that we
replace automatic, distorted thinking with conscious,
intentional thinking. Here are some simple truths and
practical guidelines for taming worry and cultivating
thoughts that nourish and grow courage rather than undermine
it.
1. Our experience in the world is far more a result of
our thinking than of our circumstances.
Mark Twain professed, “Life does not consist mainly, or
even largely, of facts and happenings. It consists mainly of
the storm of thoughts that are forever blowing through one’s
mind.” Centuries before the Buddha put it this way, “We are
what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts, we make the world.” We’ve heard it many
times and in many ways, still this basic tenet is difficult
to embody in the course of everyday life. There are moments
when this truth appears self-evident, and we are humbled by
the enormous power we have in shaping our lives by the
quality of our thoughts. Most of the time, however, it is
easier to believe that it is external circumstances like our
physical health, employment status, the state of our
relationships, the economy, the weather, and the actions of
the people around us that are really shaping our reality!
What we each know in our heart of hearts is that it is
not events that produce the outcomes of our lives, but our
response to those events. In particular, how we respond to
life has everything to do with the quality of our thinking -
which directly affects the feelings and emotions from which
we ultimately act. Case in point, as an unexpected snowstorm
hit the airport I was scheduled to fly out of and news came
over the speaker that our flight would be delayed an hour,
several people (myself included) moaned and groaned,
throwing a small pity party among our tired, travel-weary
selves. One woman complained that she should have warned us
that this would happen since every time she travels the
world conspires to delay her trip! Providence shined on me,
however, by seating me next to an elderly woman who simply
sighed saying, “I feel so sorry for all you business people
hurrying from place to place, I bet you’ll fail to notice
that the April snow here in Wyoming is the pretti est
snowfall in the world! Just look at those huge, wet flakes -
it’s like white flowers falling from the sky!” Ah, the gift
of perspective!
Every thought that we allow to enter our mind has the
power to either renew or deplete our spirit, to nourish the
best in us or to steal our thunder. What we tell ourselves
about our circumstances completely influences how we feel
about them and it colors our experience. With that being
true, it is nothing less than astounding that we put so
little attention into “how” we think!
2. We can change the way we think, replacing habitual
thoughts with intentional thinking!
The brilliant George Bernard Shaw once observed that “Few
people think more than two or three time a year. I have made
an international reputation for myself by thinking once or
twice a week!” Clearly Shaw is using the word “think” to
mean much more than the automatic, non-stop flow of thoughts
running through the river of our minds. Psychologists
estimate that we think about 50,000 thoughts a day. We think
while we dress, eat, shower, drive, - in fact, we can’t stop
from thinking as we move from one activity to another
throughout the course of the day.
Unfortunately, most of the time we engage in unconscious
thinking whereby we are just listening to ourselves talk and
talk and talk … often in ways that make us feel defeated,
victimized, helpless or discouraged. What would behoove us,
however, especially in moments of stress or when we need to
act with courage, is to engage in “intentional thinking”
whereby we are talking to ourselves in a way that is
healthy, productive, and encouraging. Not all thinking is
equal – there is worrisome, self-defeating, pessimistic
thinking and then there is focused, creative, strategic
thinking. There is ruminating on the worse case scenario
based on past experiences and there is entertaining the
entire of spectrum of possibilities. There is mulling over
past failures and mistakes, and there is considering future
promising opportunities. Which kind of thinking to do you
think our minds are most apt to engage in when left on
default mode?
The amazing thing is that we have a choice about how to
think in any given situation! We can allow our thoughts to
be caught in the stream of our worrisome meanderings or,
with the gift of conscious intention, we can steer them in
the direction of our power. Our thinking can be as
unconscious as breathing or as intentional as prayer.
3. Worry is often just thought run amuck, based on
habitual ways of distorting reality.
Several books that I have read recently refer to what
psychology refers to as “cognitive distortions”. As I
considered each of them in turn, it hit me how these
distortions are just varying pathways leading to worrisome
thinking! Having played witness to my own thoughts for the
last four weeks, I admit to having engaged in each of these
distortions on many occasions. Consider for yourself, the
last time your thinking wandered down each of these eight
crooked roads:
- All or Nothing Thinking: Seeing everything in black and
white terms; - Overgeneralization: Seeing one failure as the
beginning of a never-ending pattern of failure; - Mental
Filtering: Focusing on the negative in a situation and
allowing it to color everything else. - Catastrophic
Thinking: Interpreting things with the worst-case scenario
and then acting if it were the truth. - Fortune-telling:
Concluding how someone will act based on a look, a word, or
the lack of a word. - Ruminating: Brooding on a situation
and working every negative scenario over and over and over …
- Emotional Reasoning: Believing your feelings are reality.
- Personalizing: Seeing all of life as a struggle with
others who are continually trying to upset, frustrate or
disappoint you.
(For a thorough review of these and other cognitive
distortions, refer to the work of Albert Ellis and Harper,
R. A. (1975) A New Guide to Rational Living” or Albert
Ellis’s (1977) How to Live without Anger.)
While we don’t engage in them consciously, I believe
these distortions permeate our daily thought process and
greatly affect our perceptions and experiences in the world!
Our fear of failure, fear of disapproval, fear of intimacy,
and the entire spectrum of anxieties we experience on a
regular basis, are often based on habitual distorted
thinking which we just lump into huge category called
“worry”.
The great news is that we can tame and harness our fears
and anxiety by taking control of the thinking that leads us
down these worrisome paths. As with the breaking of all
habits, the first step is to realize what you are doing and
recognize when you are doing it! Rather than begrudge and
bemoan our wrong-headed thinking, what if we developed the
practice of clear-headed thinking? Instead of focusing on
breaking the habit of worrisome thought, what if we fostered
the habit of more hopeful and courageous thinking? Then, and
only then, can the power of perspective show up and do its
magic!
4. The power of perspective coupled with the poetics of
asking a new question makes for courageous thinking!
I have long espoused the power of perspective as the
saving grace in wrong-headed thinking! When we change the
position from which we view a situation, we actually change
what we see. When our perceptions change, they have the
domino effect of changing what we think, what we feel, and
how we respond. Unfortunately, the act of gaining
perspective does not necessarily come naturally,
particularly in worrisome situations. That doesn’t mean it’s
difficult, but it does require discipline. Perspective is,
in fact, a “mental discipline” that if cultivated can help
us grow in courage and wisdom. What’s needed is the presence
of mind to formulate a new question. With the poetics of a
new question, we look anew at our situation, and voila, new
thoughts sprout in the garden of the mind! Here is a brief
list of fresh questions we can employ to breathe fresh
perspective into our worrisome heads, allowing the gentle
breeze of courage to blow through the recesses of our minds
as we face challenging situations and consider our
stretching choices:
- Have I reduced some complex reality to black and white
or am I making room for shades of gray, knowing that reality
is rarely an all or nothing proposition? Is my thinking
limiting and restrictive, or is it creative and expansive?
- Am I wasting time blaming someone or something for
having caused a situation, or am I focusing on the lesson or
opportunity it presents? Is my thinking stuck on the
problem, or is it seeking solutions?
- Am I playing fortune-teller by predicting a worrisome
outcome that I can’t survive, or am I entertaining the
entire spectrum of possible outcomes, knowing that one way
or another I will get through it? Is my imagination stuck on
the worse case scenario or is it working in a more logical
and realistic way?
- Am I pretending to know what another person might be
thinking, or feeling, or am I willing to replace
mind-reading with a stance of unknowing, curiosity, and
openness?
- Am I interpreting this situation through the filter of
a prior negative experience, or do I refuse to hold myself
hostage to the past? Is my thinking based on fear and doubt,
or is it allowing room for hope and faith?
- Am I reacting to this situation based solely on my
emotions, or am I willing to respond to the whole of the
situation beyond my feelings about it? Is my thinking
impulsive and emotional, or is it calm and reflective?
- Am I exaggerating the effect this situation will have
on others and the world, or am I mature enough to know that
I cannot play God by trying to take responsibility for other
people’s lives?
- Am I thinking in a way that is causing me to feel
scattered, lost or confused, or am I focusing on the aspect
of this situation that is within my control? Is my thinking
defeatist or strategic?
5. By making a time and place for courageous thoughts,
they may find a place in us.
In order to have the presence of mind to gain perspective
and ask new questions, we need to be “present” in a way that
we are not when worry runs its course. What if we were to
have a time and a place to do some intentional thinking, as
we would with prayer, meditation or quiet contemplation?
Each of us have our own places and spaces where that part of
us that is not caught in the web of our worries can show up
and have its say, as Wendell Berry writes in this issue’s
Poem of the Month, “The Peace of Wild of Things”. Whether
it’s in the woods, on a walk, in the shower, during the
riding to work, in the garden, in the wee morning hours, or
before we lay our heads on the pillow at night, what if we
dedicated a time and place to reflect on how we are
thinking, to ask fresh questions, and cultivate the
discipline of intentional thought? In making this time and
space to be present for courage, perhaps we will allow
courage to find us!
I am in accord with Jose Ortega y Gusset who advised,
“Tell me what you pay attention to and I will tell you who
you are.” Carrying his thinking a little further, tell me
what you pay attention to and I will tell you whether worry
or wisdom will direct your next steps, whether fear or
courage will have the final say in your next choice. Shall
we make a practice of intentional thinking in order to calm
the brewing storms that would settle on our brows? Shall we
employ the glorious power of the mind to allow the light of
possibility to shine on our lives? As in all gardens, can we
treat the mind as a growing, living place in which we seed
and harvest the fruits of our potential? In such a place,
surely courage will grow, not as the cultivated rose, but in
the persistent blossoming of wildflowers!
Happy Spring!
~ Denise
© Denise Bissonnette, April 2005 (If not used for
commercial purposes, this article may be reproduced, all or
in part, providing it is credited to "Denise Bissonnette,
Diversity World - www.diversityworld.com." If included in a
newsletter or other publication, we would appreciate
receiving a copy.)
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