Dear Friends and Colleagues,
As you may notice, it is late in the month for me to
be sending this newsletter. In fact, I was pretty much
resolved to not sending an issue for May until this
month’s theme grabbed me, rendering me too anxious to
share my thoughts on this topic to put it off even for a
few days.
As it is for many, May has been a very hectic for me.
Aside from being on the road delivering training without
a real break, I added a few side trips to see family
while visiting in their respective states, cleaned my
house from top to bottom and put in my summer flowers in
order to host a bridal shower, and played the harried
role of mother of the class dance coordinator for my
daughter’s Senior Prom. Did I mention that all of this
has taken place in the midst of the thrill, trauma and
emotional turmoil of having my only child graduate from
high school next week? Undoubtedly, many of you relate
to this modern day trapped-on-the-treadmill tale.
Borrowing Oprah’s phrase, “Here is what I know”: Life
did not get overcomplicating and overwhelming on me – I
overcomplicated and overwhelmed my life by taking on
more than I could handle with any semblance of dignity
and grace. (The upside is I will have made it that much
easier for my daughter to pack her college bags and head
off to the other side of the country where she can put
some distance between herself and her harried mother.)
This is not a rare position I found myself in this
month. It is, in fact, pretty much the way I live. From
what I hear in my workshops around the country, I am not
alone. And while we commiserate in leading
over-committed lives, why, I wonder, do we persist in
creating them? We are only swallowed up when we are
willing to let it happen, but are we prepared to take
the steps and make the choices which would prevent it?
I, for one, never meant to not come up for air during
the last month of my child’s high school career. It was
not my intention to come out the other side of May
fatigued and discouraged, rather than refreshed and
renewed. I didn’t consciously deny myself the
opportunity to take a long deep breath here and there,
to stop and smell the flowers that I was planting in the
ground. The inescapable truth, however, is that I said
Yes to too many things – and that made balanced and sane
living impossible.
What I know is that this moment in time, like all
moments in time, was meant to be treasured. These
months, days, hours, moments are to be savored and
enjoyed, like a sacred feast. But who are we at the end
of these to-be-treasured days, if we have simply run
from task to task, panting from obligation to
obligation, living from one responsibility to the next?
Before we can say a wholehearted Yes to those aspects of
our lives that would bring a greater sense of peace and
balance, we have to stop agreeing to the myriad requests
that keep us from it. Among other things, we would have
to begin saying No to those things which are not in
alignment with our deepest purposes in order to make
room for those things that are. While this is one of
those principles that are far easier said than done,
here are simple suggestions for developing the
discipline of saying No.
1. Take heed of what you are saying No to by saying
Yes to something else.
What an interesting and disturbing exercise to truly
assess what we are saying No to by saying Yes to
something else. For example: Saying Yes to having dinner
out, may be a No to having money to give to the local
charity. Saying Yes to volunteering for the school
board, may be a No to the time you promised to spend
with your partner. Saying Yes to the call from your
sibling, may result in a No to the time you hoped to put
into some recreational reading. Saying Yes to staying at
work an extra two or three hours in the evening is a No
to time for working out before heading home and spending
quality time with the three year old. You catch my
drift. What would happen if before we dove headlong into
the waters of Yes, we had the discipline of stopping and
asking, “By agreeing to this request, what I am saying
No to?”
We often complain that we can’t say No, but the sad
truth is that we are experts at saying No to ourselves,
and sadly, to those we claim to love and cherish the
most. The demands of the world often have a greater tug
on us than our own needs or the tender nudge of those
with whom we live up close. We say No all the time. The
question is to whom and what we are refusing, denying,
and/or ignoring because of the reflexive, knee-jerk
reaction of saying Yes to anyone or anything that would
place a demand on our precious time or energy.
2. Just because you can do something, or someone
wants you to do something, doesn’t mean you should!
What a concept! Just because you are computer savvy
doesn’t mean you need to provide tech support to every
computer-challenged person in the building. Just because
a particular client makes herself available to receive
your counsel five days a week, doesn’t mean you should
provide it. Just because you have a spacious home
doesn’t mean that you need to host every last book club,
baby shower, and school bake sale in your community.
While we may agree with the maxim that we will never
succeed at being all things to all people, many of our
lives reflect that we will die trying to be the person
proving it otherwise!
When people need help they look around to see where
we they can find it. The truth is that some people are
more approachable than others, appear more eager to lend
a hand, or exude a generous spirit that invites inquiry.
Many of these people end up entering the social service
profession whereby they can say Yes for a living! (You
wouldn’t know anyone like that, would you?) What a nice
way to be in the world, unless of course, it allows you
to be swallowed up whole.
We need to balance a generous nature with the
discerning discipline of only agreeing to that which we
are able and willing to take on with a generous spirit!
We need to make deep inquiry into ourselves as to
whether this responsibility will be treated as a
blessing or a burden. When we agree to do something and
then moan and groan about having taken it on, we poison
the fountain from which only clear, true waters should
spring. (See this issue’s Poem of the Month by Kahlil
Gibran for more on what it means to give from love
rather than from obligation.)
3. Take the question, “Why not?” as a serious
inquiry.
Like many, my natural reflex when being asked a favor
or being made a request has been “Sure, why not?” What
if we listened more closely to our own question and
treated it as a serious inquiry? If we were to genuinely
pose the question to ourselves, I bet that in most
situations, we could probably draft a list of 10 - 20
very good reasons “why not”! Among them might be – our
time, our priorities, some inner peace, and our desire
to say Yes to something else!
I will never forget hearing the advice, “Learn to say
No to anything that is not a wholehearted Yes.” Taking
that further, what if we resolved not to accept anything
as an obligation that we were not willing to embrace as
a commitment? Remembering that the onus is not on us
until we say Yes, what if we made a disciplined practice
of questioning our own motives before taking on any new
responsibility? “Why should I take this on? Are there
reasons I should not?” With intentional inquiry, perhaps
we would begin making the kind of choices that put the
priorities of our hearts before the demands of the
world.
4. Use No as a way to prune your garden.
As much as I adore all of the growing things in my
yard and the many lessons the earth has to teach through
my garden, I hate the whole pruning thing. I hate having
to cut back the beautiful rose bush or the apple tree.
But much of our ability to live a spirited and soulful
life has to do with a similar kind of cutting away and
letting remain what must remain. Knowing what to cut -
that is wisdom. Being clear and strong and enough to
make the cut when it is time for things to go – that is
courage. Together, the practices of wisdom and courage
enable us, day by day and task by task, to gradually
simplify our lives. In order to cultivate a richer inner
life, we might begin by pruning our outer lives.
This cannot happen without the disciplined practice
of using the pruning sheers of statements like, “No, not
today”, or “I’m sorry, my time is already committed this
month”, or “As much as I’d love to be there, I need to
honor a promise I made to my family to be with them that
weekend.” Until we have learned the discipline of No, we
can become unglued by a telephone call, unexpected
bills, sudden knocks on the door, or a demand from a
loved one or a boss. To our surprise, what we may find
is that the uttering of the simple, single syllable, No,
does not bring an end to the world.
5. Take stock of the benefits of developing the
ability to say No.
Being able to say No when that is what we want to say
is a privilege that comes with being a self-sufficient,
responsible, mature, well-balanced, independent adult -
which is why most of us have a hard time saying it!
Among the many benefits that come with the ability to
say No, there are these: It is a dividing line between
what we want and what we don’t want, a way of
remembering what is important. It serves as inner
compass, guiding us so that we don’t drift from our
path. It is the setting of boundaries that helps us
decipher the realistic from the unrealistic expectations
of ourselves and from others. It provides a safety net
allowing us to be true to ourselves in situations where
we might otherwise compromise our values. It is a means
to taking care of our own needs and regulating our own
lives. It is a mature way of accepting our limitations
and attending to the voice of our conscience. In the
end, it is a way of governing our time, energy and
resources.
I will never forget a conversation I had in the
mid-eighties with my greatest mentor at the time in my
career, Esther Stone. A woman of unmatched intelligence,
vibrancy and generosity, she looked at me through
piercing brown eyes and said, “Denise, I look at you and
see myself thirty years ago. And so it is with great
love that I ask you to heed this advice: Choose well
where you decide to put your time and energy. There will
always be more demands for your time than what you can
give. Do not spread yourself too thin. Make the hard
choices and learn to say “No”.” When Esther died of a
few years later her funeral was attended by several
hundred people, the majority of whom were refugees and
immigrants who had been served in programs she designed
and fought hard to fund. I recall looking around at the
diverse crowd huddled in the small church and thinking,
“So this is result of making hard choices.” Those hard
choices allowed her to find and follow the path that was
he rs, leaving a legacy that continues to inspire me
decades later. (Thank you, Esther.)
With the resolve to only agree to that which we can
truly embrace, we can establish an important key in
living ordered, balanced, and healthy lives. While the
idea of saying No used to represent to me an inability
to be and do all that I would wish to be and do in the
world, I now think of it as the doorway leading to the
territory in which I really want to be living my life.
This is not for the feeble-hearted. It is for those
willing to accept their limitations and to attend with
great care the voice of conscience and of love. From
this blessed place springs the holy Yes of a life lived
intentionally.
So, just in case, any of you are wondering if I am
available for anything at all for the next twelve days,
my answer is a full-bodied, wholehearted, unequivocal
NO!
Happy Summer!
~ Denise
© Denise Bissonnette, May 2005 (If not used for
commercial purposes, this article may be reproduced, all
or in part, providing it is credited to "Denise
Bissonnette, Diversity World - www.diversityworld.com."
If included in a newsletter or other publication, we
would appreciate receiving a copy.)
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