Dear Friends and Colleagues,
19th century Spanish conductor Pablo Casals once
said, “The only question in life that matters is this -
will we dare to be ourselves?” Ralph Waldo Emerson
echoed this sentiment when he wrote, “Do you want to be
a power in the world- fine, then be who you are!” Ah,
but aren’t the maxims of all great thinkers easier said
than done? Indeed. But perhaps none are quite as
challenging as these. In the words of e.e. cummings, “To
be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing it best
day and night to make you like everybody else is to
fight the hardest battle which any human can fight and
never stop fighting.” Dare we take the challenge?
In the Reader’s Survey of the August issue of this
newsletter I asked the question: What factors do you
think most contribute to one’s sense of satisfaction on
the job? The responses I received covered Maslow’s
hierarchy – meeting one’s basic needs, sufficient pay
for the work being done, having a sense of belonging,
recognition for one’s efforts, finding a good match
between the skills being used and the work to be done,
healthy affiliation in the workplace, deriving
self-esteem from a job well done etc. While I have dealt
with many of these topics in prior issues of this
newsletter, there was one theme that kept coming up
which I felt deserved further attention – the importance
of what I am calling the “authenticity factor”. Here is
a sampling of readers’ comments pointing to this
essential element:
- “I want to be able to bring my whole self to the
job, not just the part that’s for hire.”
- “People want work where they don’t have to be
afraid to be who they are.”
- “Real job satisfaction is a result of being at home
in the workplace, in all respects, where your work is in
alignment with your values and purposes.”
- “I love this job because I finally feel as if I get
to be myself!”
- “I see people longing for a workplace that will
accept and celebrate who they are – abilities and
limitations alike!”
The truth is both simple and obvious– when we are in
a place where we can be ourselves, our contributions and
experience are enhanced in every way. When we are in a
role or a relationship in which we feel obliged to hide
our true self, everything suffers. Authenticity is what
makes us comfortable in our own skin. It is what allows
us to freely think our thoughts, experience our
feelings, and express our views without having to water
them down, dummy them up, or put them in hiding for fear
of someone else’s criticism or disapproval. It is that
quintessential element that allows us to be and express
who we are in a role or a relationship without pretense,
not having to put on airs for another’s purposes.
Authenticity results from living a life connected to
what we hold as our deepest values, beliefs and gifts.
Here are a few things to keep in mind as we consider the
“authenticity factor” in our own lives:
1. We hold everything to the standard of
authenticity!
Our ideal for “authenticity” rings true in every
aspect of our lives. It is the difference you taste
between your grandma’s homemade spaghetti sauce and the
stuff you buy in a bottle. It’s the difference you enjoy
between the cracking flames of an aged piece of wood and
the slow, steady burn of a Duraflame log. It’s the
difference between relishing the sights and sounds of
Venice and being a guest at the Venetian Hotel in Vegas.
It’s the difference you hear when being transported by
Led Zeppelin’s version of “Stairway to Heaven” and the
elevator version that makes you wish you had taken the
stairs. Not to knock the convenience or affordability of
imitations, but we know when it aint the real thing! Ask
any art dealer, jeweler, chef, furniture or wine maker
and they will tell you, the one standard that cannot be
compromised by the true connoisseur is “authenticity”!
2. The “authenticity factor” is the first test we use
and are subject to with other people.
Perhaps there is no realm in which are on greater
high alert for the “authenticity factor” than with other
people. Compare the lectures you’ve attended by people
who hid behind their credentials, never allowing their
humanity to inform the message they were delivering from
behind the podium, and the times you’ve left a class or
a lecture deeply moved by the sharing of a teacher’s
gifts. It’s the difference between listening to an
acquaintance boast and brag about his accomplishments,
leaving you exhausted from having to feign interest, and
truly connecting with another person through animated
conversation over some shared interest. Do you recall
listening to a politician’s wild promises about much
better your life would be once he was office, and the
empty feeling it left in your gut? Compare that to the
leader who breathed enough hope in your heart causing
you to run, not walk, to the polling places. Finally, do
you remember working for the kind of supervisor who,
while adept at applying the newest strategy from “More
Ways to Suck the Blood from Your Team”, failed to notice
the accomplishment of its members? Compare that to the
mentor or supervisor who led by example and made you
want to grow up to be just like him/her!
One of the first assessments we make about other
people comes down to this: Is this person for real? Can
this person be trusted? Is what you see what you get? Is
this person playing a part, or is this person the
genuine article? This is the question we ask of our
child’s classroom teacher, a new co-worker, the lawyer
whose services we are about to retain, the neighbor who
just moved in next door, and the author whose book we
are about to read. We wonder, beyond the façade, beyond
the social or professional posturing, who is this person
really? Is this person the same on the inside that
he/she is on the outside? And guess what – it is the
question that everyone is asking about us!
3. The extent to which we sense another’s
authenticity is the extent to which we feel compelled to
show up with our own!
Regardless of the role we play, before anyone gives
credence to our counsel they need to know whether or not
we are for real, in the same way we put others to this
scrutiny. When we feel the lack of “realness”, we go on
high alert. Not knowing who or what we are dealing with
and feeling unsafe and untrusting, we withhold the
investment of our energy, commitment and gifts. Students
refuse to take risks involved in learning, employees
refuse to put their heart in their world, and citizens
disengage from the political process. Conversely, when
we sense that a person is for real, we show up in a more
real way ourselves!
One of the gifts that comes with being in the
presence of someone who is genuinely authentic, is the
extent to which we relax in our own sense of just being
who we are. We feel a calm confidence that allows us to
sink deeper into our own genuineness. True authenticity
invites us to be sincere, generous and open-hearted
because we don’t feel the compulsion to compete or
compare ourselves in order to gain a sense of
entitlement, one-up-man-ship, or having to be “as good
as” or “better-than”. With the sense of security and
trust that we feel in the presence of an authentic
person, we are more open to learning, giving, growing,
and expressing ourselves in new and creative ways
because our ordinary defenses are down. We all know what
it is to be in the presence of someone who is content to
be who they are – the person who is real and genuine and
just plain ole’ true to the core. What we also know is
how incredibly rare and refreshing it is to come upon
such a person! The question is how and why we would
sense anything but realness with one another – why, in
fact, is authentic presence so rare?
4. The culture has taught us to value conformity over
authenticity!
How do we come to live in ways that are not in sync
with our authentic sensibilities, since, as children,
that’s the only way we knew to live? That is what makes
being around children so wonderful – they are so
utterly, freely and unapologetically themselves! They
say and do what occurs to them without worrying what
impressions they are making on other people. No wonder
we often find time with children refreshing,
revitalizing and renewing – they are, in fact, fresh,
vital and newly-minted humans whose authentic
sensibilities have not been squashed, squelched or
suppressed.
But give it time, my friends, and slowly but surely
most children will be acculturated out of their sublime
realness into a slightly if not significantly
watered-down version of their original selves! We all
know this story – rather than being taught to be true to
ourselves, we were told to no rock the boat; rather than
being encouraged to express our true thoughts and
feelings, we were reminded to play our cards close to
our vest; rather than being urged to be honest and open,
we were warned to not wear our hearts on our sleeves.
Early on in our education in and out of school, we were
taught that it was more important to be accepted and
acceptable to those around us than it was to be accepted
and acceptable to ourselves. Our culture has taught us
to value conformity and compliance over standing by our
own sense of truth and integrity. Surrendering a little
authenticity seemed a small price to pay for the larger
reward of belonging and being accepted.
It pains me to think of the multitude of times and
ways I have made that small insidious pact; keeping
quiet rather than reporting sexual harassment for fear
of appearing a “snitch”; withholding emotion in my
attempts to appear rational and sensible all the while
suppressing my true feelings in a relationship; the many
moments in life when I have found myself trying to
appear “smart”, or “right”, or “hip”, or “savvy”,
suffocating my true gifts while engaged in a silly
masquerade; complying with a customer’s request to
downplay my “spirited enthusiasm” in order to better
connect with a corporate audience! I have no doubt, dear
readers, that you have your own list of times when, like
I, you traded authenticity in for the chance to win some
kind of approval or to make a certain impression.
5. There is a high price that comes with
inauthenticity – not just for ourselves, but for
everyone in the situation!
The rub is that this isn’t a “win” for anybody, least
of all ourselves. In the words of Gandhi, “If you do not
live and tell your true story, you betray it!” Clearly
there is a sense of something missing in our lives, of
feeling fraudulent, even invisible, when we are not in
the world as who we really are. This can lead to
loneliness and a feeling of being cut off from people,
unable to connect and engage in any real way. Cut off
from ourselves, we remain in roles or relationships that
deplete our spirits. Sometimes we lose touch with our
own sense of truth as a result of hiding our beliefs for
fear of criticism, forgetting who we are as we hold
ourselves at arm’s distance from the real living of our
lives. Perhaps the greatest toll, however, is how our
gifts to the world are deprived of the life-giving
energies of the true self.
As you may have recognized in the examples earlier,
the price for staying in a role or a situation in which
we are not bringing our honest and truest self, is paid
not just by us, but everyone we touch in that role or
situation! The person who stays in a marriage out of
obligation rather than true commitment, wreaks emotional
havoc on the person with whom he/she is supposed to be a
true partner. The counselor who hates her job and
resents the menial details that come with a government
position, brings less vitality and vision to the ones
who she is employed to inspire. The person who attends a
class prepared to hate it, poisons the environment for
everyone else in the room who is eager to learn. 13th
century Sufi poet, Rumi, put it bluntly: “If you are
here unfaithfully, you are causing terrible damage.”
Think about it: in situations when we are being
unfaithful to ourselves and what we know to be true,
beautiful and important, what other effect could our
actions possibly have but damage to the other people
involved?
6. Authenticity is a sensibility that we need to
bring to everything we do!
Being sincere and genuine is a commitment we need to
make first and foremost to ourselves; it is an intention
we should bring to every situation. We can’t blame the
world or our circumstances for not allowing or inviting
our true authenticity! The world is not necessarily here
for our convenience or our pleasure (just ask the folks
on the Gulf Coast!) We choose where we are, what we are
doing, and how and why we are doing it. In making that
choice, we decide the extent to which we are going to
live true to our values, gifts and convictions, despite
the circumstances. Sometimes we need to practice what
Peter Vaill calls “conquering the context” – remaining
loyal to our own authentic sensibilities even when they
are being questioned.
At the beginning of my training career, I was under
contract with people who worked hard to crush my
“bleeding heart, liberal, social-worker spirit”. Unable
to do so, my time spent with what I referred to as “the
Gestapo”, only served to strengthen my resolve in
bringing my gifts to the world. Granted, they fired me
six months into it, but that opportunity ended up
leading me to a wonderful partnership which lasted
nearly two decades! Surely what I learned in that time
of having to remain loyal to myself in the midst of some
rather cruel criticism, along with the many gifts that
resulted from an 18 year partnership, helped lead me to
the creation of my current business alongside my best
friend and life partner, Rob McInnes.
The point is that the roles that we play and the
places where we play them do not have to have the final
say on the extent to which we can dare to bring our true
self to the situation! I can’t help but think of the
great psychologist, Viktor Frankl, who writes in “Man’s
Search for Meaning” about his time as a prisoner in the
Nazi concentration camps as his great ‘training ground’
for bringing and practicing everything he had ever
learned as a psychologist. How do we learn from this
man’s incredible legacy as we struggle to hold on to our
own authenticity in far less dire, dangerous, and
dehumanizing circumstances? Being authentic doesn’t mean
we need to restrict ourselves to a limited number of
contexts which seem to fit our personal style – it is a
quality and a sensibility that we should bring to
everything we do.
7. We need to continually put our world to the
“Authenticity Test”.
Just as there are physical symptoms of health and
illness – blood pressure, heart rate or energy level – I
think we have an inner compass that tells us whether we
are moving in the direction of authentic or inauthentic
expression in any given role or relationship. Whether it
be in a position of employment, a role in the community,
or relationships with friends and family members, there
are sure-fire signs of when we are engaged in a
wholehearted and genuine way and when we are hiding out,
playing the chameleon, or simply keeping ourselves at
great remove from people in that situation. I have
summarized ten such signs or symptoms in what I am
calling an “Authenticity Test”, included in the Putting
It into Practice section of this newsletter.
Consider taking the time to put your world to the
Authenticity Test. As you assess each factor, consider
the extent to which you feel it is a “de facto dynamic”
(meaning it is simply out of your area of influence due
to circumstances beyond your control), and the extent to
which it is a stance you have chosen in response to the
situation. To the extent that it is the latter, consider
how you might alter your posture or attitude in the
situation in order to increase or enhance your own
authentic expression or presence in that role or
relationship. For while the Duraflame log cannot will
itself into becoming a real piece of wood, we can remove
the mask of self-protection at any time. While the
bottled spaghetti sauce will never carry the authentic
flavors and aromas of your grandmother’s special sauce,
we can step out from behind the wall of professional
posturing and show up in a more authentic way at any
moment. How cool is that? Because we are, in fact, “the
real thing” – the question is not whether or not we are
authentic, the question is to what extent are we willing
to express it in the world!
Contemporary poet and author Mark Nepo writes, “It is
often when we are in need – too sad to keep the mask in
place, too tired to keep the wall propped up, too
wounded to lift the sword – often it is then that we
glimpse each other as we really are, stripped of all the
things that we think we need to protect ourselves.” We
know this to be true as we recall poignant moments spent
with someone ailing, grieving or on their deathbed. At
such times the atmosphere is thick with a palpable sense
of realness, as if the very room cannot contain anything
trivial, artificial, or superficial. It is a beautiful,
out-of-the-ordinary experience which many who work with
people in hospice feel privileged to experience
everyday.
How do we help one another wear down what gets in the
way of living a sincere life without the necessity of
grief and illness? How do we together suffer our
limitations, celebrate our gifts, and rejoice in the
often gritty mystery of our humanness? What would it be
like to enter more honest engagement with one another
rather than arrive at our workplaces as if protected and
armored for interaction? How do we encourage one another
to put down the agendas in order to be more fully
touched by life? I suggest that only by living at the
pace of what is real, in step with what we know to be
true, will we make it safe for the person next to us to
remove the mask… and in so doing, remove our own.
With great faith in our ability to take “the dare”,
~ Denise
© Denise Bissonnette, September 2005 (If not used for
commercial purposes, this article may be reproduced, all
or in part, providing it is credited to "Denise
Bissonnette, Diversity World - www.diversityworld.com."
If included in a newsletter or other publication, we
would appreciate receiving a copy.)
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