Dear Friends and Colleagues,

I hope this issue finds you well-rested and renewed from the joys and beauties of summer, ready to welcome the golden arrival of autumn!

I’d like to pick up where I left off in June by responding to this provocative question posed by a reader: “Denise, while I found your May issue on “Rethinking Happiness” both illuminating and inspiring on a personal level, in working with folks going through the painful transition of a job search, many due to a work injury or a lay-off, I wonder how relevant or timely the issue of contentment is while their top priority is simply surviving this trying stage of their lives. Would you speak to that please?” Having given this question long, hard consideration, I believe that the question of contentment is not only relevant in good times as well as bad, it is especially germane in times of difficulty! By way of explanation, allow me to share an entry from a journal I kept during a time of grief following the untimely and tragic death of someone most dear to me. I wrote:

“Although I am walking and talking and eating and sleeping like a normal person, I feel dead inside. I have no interest in talking to family members or friends. I cannot read and I have no interest in television or movies. Nothing I typically find engaging holds my attention. I can’t sing at church, nor muster the meekest of prayers. It hurts to breathe. Strangely, I am taking great comfort in small pleasures: I am completely mesmerized watching the turtledoves at the bird bath under the persimmon tree and the slow-growing daffodils along the fence. I could gaze for hours out this window. And last night I got into bed and reveled in the warmth of newly washed sheets fresh from the dryer. My pillow of soft feathers never felt so glorious a blessing; I thought I had died and gone to Heaven. Then, this morning, when Jess came to kiss me good-bye, the scent of her hair was so beautiful I could scarcely release her from my embrace …. It is as if grief has given me a new layer of sensation, and while I know this sorrow will pass, I would not wish to surrender this intimate connection with those elements of my life to which I am often numb. Perhaps that is the meaning of true contentment – when you find yourself capable of a half smile even in the midst of total heartbreak … just when you thought your heart no longer capable of beating, it sighs from some tender blessing. I am taking strength from these small pleasures as I attempt to work today, glad to have something for which I feel grateful…”

Among the lessons of grace, humility and patience that grief was to teach me in those dark days, I learned an important lesson about joy: It is easy to be happy when all our ducks are in a row, when life offers up dream-like working conditions, a wonderful relationship, the ideal living space, a balanced checkbook, perfect health, etc.. The litmus test for true contentment, however, is its presence even when the world seems to conspire against us – in times of unemployment, ill health, a break-up, bankruptcy, or any circumstance in the great labyrinth of loss we are guaranteed on life’s journey. Whether through choice, change or circumstance, into every person’s life will come the solitary seasons, periods of melancholy, times of grief and loss, and stages of uncertainty and bewilderment. When in the throes of turmoil, we cannot expect joy of the gleeful variety, nor would we welcome high-pitched merrymaking in the midst of loss or stress. What we can count on, however, if properly nurtured and cared for, is our capacity for contentment of a simpler kind, even in those times we would consider Godforsaken.

With its inevitable twists and turns and ups and downs, in order to know genuine happiness on the journey of life, we must be willing to court contentment every step of the way. Contentment of this variety is not a fair-weather friend; once cultivated and nurtured, it can be a most constant and loyal companion. Viewed this way, our contentment is not something that happens to us or is dependent on external circumstances to make us feel good about living. To the contrary, it is the result of a commitment we make to ourselves to live in a way that makes us feel good about life! Developing the capacity to know contentment in good times and bad, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, is not unlike the capacity to communicate with our loved ones, to run a marathon, or to play the piano – it is the result of commitment and dedicated practice devoted to the quality of our interior life and our emotional well-being. Here are some suggestions for befriending and courting everyday contentment so that when the troubled times come, we have ready provisions and deep resources to see ourselves through them without having to completely surrender our serenity, lose the hopeful song in our step, or render ourselves incapable of a half smile.
 

Unlike doubt and downheartedness which seem to sprout willingly and persistently like sturdy dandelions in the grasses of our transition, contentment requires the tending of the more delicate rose. Being a cultivator of our own contentment is an acquired posture that consistently reminds us that no morning, no hour, no day is necessarily beyond redemption. It is the ability to consciously restore one’s sense of rhythm and renewal by taking a quiet walk at sunset, playing a favorite piece of music, or indulging in a long hot shower at the end of day that was spend careening out of control. It is the capacity to find a half hour of peace in a favorite book or flipping through old photo albums while the demands of the day may require the stress and strain of filling out bankruptcy forms, the trauma of a custody battle, or the tedium of rewriting one’s resume. It is as simple as remembering to pick a few flowers from the side of the house, to put water on for a favorite cup of tea, or asking someone for a ten minute backrub. More importantly, it is coming to view and value these small gestures as equally necessary and essential to our lives as we would the more pragmatic activities of emptying the garbage, brushing your teeth, or balancing the checkbook.
 

Joanna Field wisely reminds us, “Perhaps if one really knew when one was happy, one would know the things that are necessary for one’s life.” A prerequisite of loving how we live is knowing what we love. Once we have a handle on what we and cannot live without, we have the gift of discernment to guide us in our daily choices. What an obvious but overlooked truth! The prescription for happiness for each of us is unique. Just thinking of some of my closest friends, there is one who needs constant adventures in the wild which challenge her physically, another is happiest absorbed in the various demands and delights of domesticity, while yet another would define paradise as the opportunity to be alone to contemplate the mysteries of the universe. “To each his own”, the saying goes, but first we must know what constitutes our contentment before we can go about creating it, tending it, and becoming its curator. A nice place to begin in attempting an “inventory of our contentment” is to identify what it is in our everyday life stirs our hearts, rouses our senses, and revives our vitality.
 

We were raised to anticipate the grand events that would somehow define our lives – graduations, weddings, getting the job and then working into the promotion, having the baby, buying the house, enjoying retirement, etc. But if at the end of our days someone were to ask, “So tell me about your life on earth,” I doubt we would dive headlong into a chronological description of these events. The truer narrative, the more intimate account of our lives, would be told in smaller, everyday occurrences. We were taught to seek ‘riches’ in the form of power, status and economic currency, but these have so little to do with what really “enriches” our lives.

There is a poignant scene towards the end of Thornton Wilder’s play, “Our Town” when the young heroine who has died in childbirth, wishes to revisit one ordinary, “unimportant” day of living and laments: “Good-by world. Good-by to clocks ticking … and Mama’s sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new-ironed dresses and hot baths… and sleeping and waking up. Oh earth, you’re too wonderful for anybody to realize you.” In like spirit, Kit Carson, the famous 19th century frontiersman, reportedly lamented from his deathbed, “I wish I had time for just one more bowl of chili!”

Here is a question worth pondering: What do you think you would miss from this world if you had to leave it today? What experiences and opportunities would you still yearn for? What daily pleasures and ordinary experiences do you think you might pine for? I would miss the sound of trains, the call of the loon, and the rustling of wind through trees. I would miss the scent of cedar, lilacs, and fresh cut grass; the aroma of cookies baking in the oven, and the intoxicating smell of a newborn baby. I would miss walking barefoot in the grass, being warmed by a crackling fire, and strumming my old guitar. I would miss pumpkins, acorns, fireflies, and ducklings. How I would pine for the feeling of my bed in the quiet morning, the rosy glow of the world at dusk, and the reflection of the moon on water!

Emily Dickinson wrote, “Eden is that old-fashioned House we dwell in everyday.” It should bring us great comfort and solace to know that the true riches of everyday life are equally available in troubled times as they are in times of plenty, in good health or illness, during periods of employment and unemployment, if we could but be recognize and embrace them.
 

Whether it is beholding the Northern Lights dancing in a summer sky, witnessing a double rainbow, holding hands for the first time with the one for whom you have a long standing crush, catching the prize-winning fish, or nailing the job by miraculously breezing through an interview as if on wings, I wholeheartedly agree with Emily Dickinson’s further advice: “The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience.” What makes an experience “ecstatic” is, in part, its rarity. By taking us by surprise, it causes the heart to skip a beat, makes us shaky at the knees, or moves us to tears. How nice! But how about the other 364 nights of the year when the Northern Lights cannot be seen, when taking the hand of the one you love is more familiar than “fantastic”, and the biggest thing you’ve caught all day was weeds from the bottom of the lake? I would alter Ms. Dickinson’s adage by adding that “the soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience, and if needs be, welcome the more common guest, Delight.” In our efforts to make contentment a daily companion, we need to be easier to please!

Without awaiting that which would make the blood rush to our heads, what if we prepared for and planned a little daily pleasantness that could help us rise above the din of disappointment or disillusionment and cause the soul to sigh, if just a little? Clearly enjoying even a little of what genuinely delights us can do a world of good! It doesn’t have to be a hot fudge sundae with whip cream and a cherry on top – keeping bite-sized Snickers in the desk might be treat enough. We don’t have to saunter through an English summer garden to refresh our souls – a small vase of wildflowers cut from the side of the road will do. Surely attending a concert would get our juices flowing again, but playing a few favorite songs on the car stereo en route to work or while doing the dishes could also do the trick. The Northern Lights are a rare and precious sight to behold, for sure… but how often do we venture out into the yard on an ordinary night when the sky is studded with stars – a bejeweled tapestry of night sky that if welcomed, could put the glimmer back in our eyes?
 

To keep our daily round from being tiresome and tedious, we need to commit to savoring even the simplest of pleasures, especially when we feel fraught, frazzled or fragmented. I love the simple wisdom extolled by Lewis Grizzard: “It is difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.” Isn’t that the truth? How would you finish the sentence: It is difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while …?

Surely two items that would make my husband’s list are indulging in a bowl of a coconut chicken Thai soup, and listening to Van Morrison. Knowing this, I have been known to employ the healing powers of the “Thai soup- Van Morrison remedy” when he appears particularly overworked or downhearted. When my daughter is out of sorts, the quickest way to bring her back to steady ground is by stirring up a pot of her grandmother’s Sicilian style spaghetti with a little Jack Johnson or Ben Harper in the background. It’s funny how we know how to restore the calm of our loved ones perhaps better than we know how to be the curator of our own.

For me, it is difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts when I am reading Mary Oliver’s poetry, wrapping gifts, fishing, eating strawberry rhubarb pie, perusing a book store, or walking near a body of water. Planting Spring bulbs puts me in a near trance of reverie, but the rest of the year I am content to flip through photo albums of tulips from past years – I call it my “tulip therapy”. Likewise, I can’t stay in a sour or sorrowful mood if I am playing euchre or Scrabble, leafing through a cookbook, or vacuuming. Yeah, I know it’s weird, but I love to vacuum. It’s a quick and easy way for me to restore an inner sense of calm as I make sweeping waves across the carpet. My ex-husband loves to polish and shine his brass antiques, my sister-in-law gets a kick out of riding her tractor lawn mower, and my brothers are happiest when bringing order to anything, be it a drawer, a closet or their sister’s garage! I suppose we shouldn’t overlook ordinary domestic tasks for the simple pleasures they bring, for they can serve as much as a centering or calming activity as any other kind of meditation. What are some of your own homegrown remedies for the blues?
 

I remember visiting friends in Washington D.C. who retreated every evening to the roof of their apartment building where they would sit and gaze over the city in their fold-up chairs. As they described it, they partook in little conversation as this was the time to rope in their restlessness with a little quietude. When feeling overwhelmed by outside circumstances, wouldn’t it be nice to have a few centering or grounding rituals that could help us begin the day with a sense of calm and/or shake off some of the stress at the end of it? When returning from a work trip, the first place I head is the bathtub to “wash off the road”. In the same way, I think we need ways to shed the day, to wash the office out of our hair, to drop the ball of responsibility, to put down the burden of the job search, at least until the next day. In all of our to’ing and fro’ing and coming and going, how do we restore a sense of rhythm, reverence and reflection to the day, not waiting until the weekend to feel human again?

There is a common letting-go-of-the-day ritual popular in our culture referred to as “happy hour”. (I have to wonder, is it so named because of the inebriating effects of alcohol, or because it is a time of day we actually set aside to relax?) With or without the help of a martini, home should serve as a haven in what can otherwise be experienced as a hectic world. This is can be as true in a dorm room as in a mansion since it is not the actual space that makes a house a home, but the spirit we bring to it. It is at home that we should find respite from the rigors of the day. For those of us who work from home, this can be tricky since we do not have the physical distance marking one world from the next. Still we have to find ways that mark the “leaving of the office”, even it is just around the corner from where dinner is being served. Myriad occasions during the course of the day carry the potential of serving as “calming ceremonies” if we but approach them with that spirit: the first cup of coffee, the setting of the table, curling up to watch a favorite television show, or changing into comfort clothes at the end of the day. Simple daily rituals can serve as subtle ways to speak symbolically to the soul, to calm the worried mind, and lift the heavy heart.

We know that both hope and fear, abundance and lack, exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which garden we tend, which wolf we feed, which channel we turn to - pick your metaphor. Likewise, on any given day we can find just as many reasons to be discontent as to be content, especially when going through difficult times! Even when we are grief-stricken, racked with pain, sick from worry, deeply depressed, squeezed by circumstances – how we meet, greet, and complete each day is a matter of our choosing. Even lousy days possess the potential to offer moments made precious by a simple comfort or a small delight. How do we hone in ourselves the capacity to appreciate the subtle nuances of the dark days as well as the light-filled ones? How do we make a loyal companion of our contentment rather than treat it as a fickle guest who only happens upon us in times of cheer and plenty?

Let me end as I started, with an entry from my journal written a few weeks after the passage I opened with:

“The worst thing about grief is that it leaves little room for thoughts of hope. But hope takes work. So does joy. But if you love life enough, when the heart is broken and all seems lost, you realize that the treasures you have gathered from happier days are not spent, rather they are stored within, in secret caverns, awaiting excavation. Happiness seems a faraway dream, beyond any horizon… but the possibility of joy from small things once loved and savored seems within reach. A quiet kind of contentment is ever close. And if you can rise above your pain just long enough to reach for the smallest of blessings, to give way for some slight pleasure, you will feel the folded wings of your heart begin to stir…. and in the air, the stirring of hope…”

Throughout all the seasons of your life, may contentment be your steady companion,

~ Denise

© Denise Bissonnette, August 2006 (If not used for commercial purposes, this article may be reproduced, all or in part, providing it is credited to "Denise Bissonnette, Diversity World - www.diversityworld.com." If included in a newsletter or other publication, we would appreciate receiving a copy.)

Please consider sending us your opinions, perspectives, experiences or related resources on this topic. Unless you specify otherwise, your comments and contact information may be edited/published in a future edition of the True Livelihood Newsletter.

1. Think about difficult times in your life and identify some of the simple, everyday pleasures that saw you through them.

2. Complete the sentence, “It is difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while …” ten times. If it brings you pleasure, complete it another ten times! Share your responses with those close to you and elicit their responses to the same question. Prepare to put this vital information to good use when a little encouragement or cheering up is in order!

3. Explore and experiment with various simple rituals which could serve as creative conduits to contentment at the beginning and/or end of the day whether it be playing a particular piece of music, lighting a candle, donning “comfort clothes”, puttering in the garden, picking up a favorite book, walking around the block, sitting on the porch, etc.

4. In working with individuals going through difficult periods of their lives, consider using ideas from this issue to provide a little “contentment coaching”, remembering that one’s mental and emotional well-being will have tremendous effect on everything else they will do and attempt with regard to their “real world goals”.

Denise has published several important works on topics of job development, career development, personal development and similar topics. She also has two video-based in-service training programs available. Please visit our online store, Diversity Shop, for more information on these and related products.

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