 Cross-Cultural Skills
for Everyday Communication
Part I: Facing the Problem
of
Language and Perception
Dear
Friends and Colleagues,
In preparation to write this issue, I
happened upon a lovely quote from Penelope Lively in an
old file I’ve kept since university years labeled:
Cross-Cultural Communications. She says, “Language
tethers us to the world; without it we would spin like
atoms.” In other notes, writer Rita Mae Brown spoke of
the “hidden power exerted by language, like the moon on
tides”. Referring to the influence of language, I found
a passage from Rudyard Kipling in which he suggested,
“Words are the most powerful drug used by mankind.”
Like most forms of power, however, depending on how it
is used, the influence of language can be beneficial or
detrimental, unifying or divisive.
While language may, in fact, tether us
to the world, once we employ it in the form of
“communication”, we find that it is not always the most
reliable source of gravity! One only has to consider
the many instances of what would qualify as true
“communication fiascos” in which two or more intelligent
and well-meaning individuals completely misunderstood
one another, whether through conversation or written
correspondence. As we will explore below, there are
numerous factors making our everyday attempts at clear
communication a slippery and precarious endeavor at
best. Among these factors is the ambiguity of language
and the myriad interpretations that any communication
act is liable to invoke. But what if Leo Tolstoy was
correct when he asserted, “Communication is the ultimate
power, the ultimate currency in life?” Can you imagine
what the economy would look like if our major form of
currency was open to interpretation every time we went
to purchase or sell an item? So it is in the economy of
meaning, in the exchange of information, in the
distribution of facts, in the sharing of advice, and in
the expression of our thoughts and feelings, as we live,
work, and play in human community.
Here are some questions worth asking:
How many of the factors that come into play in our
ordinary day to day interactions with other people are
we aware of and attentive to? How much responsibility
do we need to take in ensuring that we have understood
and have been understood by those with whom we have
interacted? How much care and attention do we use in
wielding the powerful tool of language, and what is the
cost to ourselves and others when we wield it carelessly
or recklessly? What if we were taught as children that
the words we use can do greater harm than the sharpest
stick in the schoolyard, and greater good than the sun
to the tender flower? How much time and energy is
expended in a day in the typical household or workplace
clearing up or re-communicating what has already been
communicated? What would we do with all the time and
energy we’d save if we could learn to communicate more
clearly, consciously, and compassionately?
As some of you may know, my Bachelor’s
Degree was in Linguistics and my Master’s Degree was in
Multi-Cultural Education. I must admit that, like many,
I have failed to put into practical application much of
what I learned during my years at university. What I am
thrilled to tell you, however, is that with the writing
of this issue of the newsletter, I resurrected a lot of
what I learned and found valuable about Cross-Cultural
Communications. This information was priceless to me
when working with refugees and immigrants as a Job
Developer, although most of it I had to learn the hard
way. Many of these insights which I learned early on as
“facts” about language and communication, I much later
incorporated into “working understanding” due to
lessons learned at the expense of many unwitting job
applicants who came to “Ms. Denise” with the hopes that
their arrival on the shores of the American Dream was
being met by someone who could transform their hopes
into reality. I never related more to the wizard hiding
behind the curtain as I did in those years as I put on
the face of someone who actually knew what she was
doing.
Little did I know in those early days
that with the gift of these hard-earned lessons, I would
be brought to a new shore in my own life in which
humility and ignorance are worth twice the price of any
expertise I would ever again feign to possess. I
dedicate this issue to my many teachers in the guise of
“welfare recipients on Refugee Cash Assistance”. I have
summarized these ideas into seven simple (but not easy)
suggestions for clearer communications given the
complexity of language and perception.
Denise’s Simple-But-Not-Easy
Suggestions for More Conscious Communicating
1. Know that every
interaction is cross-cultural!
The term “cross-cultural” assumes that
the interaction taking place is between two or more
individuals who possess differing sets of values, mores,
perspectives, habits, rituals, and customs, and varying
orientations with regard to time, money, family, work,
success, spiritual life, etc. In the cross-cultural
experience, we expect to bring an open mind, to keep a
“learning mentality”, and to extend graciousness,
patience and appreciation for the differences between
us. Above all, cross-cultural competency attempts to
make “conscious” all of those elements and factors in
the communication process that, left to our own natural
devices, would remain mostly unconscious in our everyday
communications.
My question to you is this: What
possible interaction with another person would fail to
benefit from that same set of qualities and attitudes?
In my mind, each one of us represents our own “personal
culture” – our unique and individual way of viewing and
celebrating life, our distinct way of learning,
communicating and expressing our thoughts and feelings.
Anyone who has ever joined domiciles with a loved one
knows that what makes the first year so challenging is
that you have, in fact, unwittingly entered a
bi-cultural household with no manual or instructions on
figuring out the strange behavior of the beloved in
question. This is true when working closely with
someone on a project, meeting a new neighbor, or taking
on new client – each must become somewhat accustomed to
the “personal culture” of the other in order to achieve
a clear channel of communication. So while I would
suggest the following for effective cross-cultural
communications, I hope the application of these ideas for
everyday communication is both obvious and clear.
2. Accept that what is most
important cannot be put into words, and what is of
second
importance will probably be misunderstood!
This is not the good news part of the
article, although it does point to an important fact:
For a couple of very good reasons, what we say is rarely
what we mean, and what we mean is rarely what we say.
Here’s why:
First, we often forget that words are
just tools that carry meaning – they are not the
original message. Think about the number of times you
have heard yourself say, “How do I put this?” or “How
shall I say this?” We are admitting a crucial truth
that we cannot put our meaning into someone else’s
head. First we must translate meaning into the form of
words which are often inadequate. It is not unlike
trying to communicate in a foreign language. We fumble
for words to express our meaning, knowing that something
is always lost in the translation.
Secondly, once we choose our words, we
have to trust that they will be received and understood
carrying the gist of our original meaning. Problem -
the same words mean different things to different
people. For example, I can ask someone what kind of job
they are looking for and they may be offended because
they are on a “career path” – the notion of a ‘job’
being totally beneath them. Then again, I remember
suggesting to an employer that my job was to assist
people in reaching their career goals and he replied,
“Hey, I don’t offer “careers” here – we just do real
work!” Neil Postman put it succinctly: “Serious
breakdowns in communication can be attributed to the
false assumption that there is meaning in the message,
rather than only in the source and receiver…Words do not
mean at all. Only people mean, and people do not mean
the same by all words.”
Did you know that 500 of the most
commonly used words in the English language have more
than 14,000 dictionary definitions? While words are the
best system we’ve got to express ourselves, they are not
a very reliable source for transporting our particular
meaning because even the simplest of statements could
have multiple interpretations. Consider the ambiguity
of the statement, “It’s not very far… ” – who hasn’t
heard that before? Or, “It shouldn’t be too long a wait
…– does that mean you will be seated momentarily or you
should find another place to eat? In our fast-paced work
environments, we are simply not programmed to adjust and
allow for the ambiguity of words - our brains are far
more likely to just jump to their own conclusions.
(For newcomers to the culture, the
complexity of language is made far worse when you
consider how much of what we communicate on a daily
basis is expressed through jargon, dialect, idioms,
slang and what we refer to as “the vernacular”. Check
out the selection for this issue’s “Poem of the Month”
for a splendid example of the playfulness and craziness
of language filtered through its culture!)
3. Remember that without
having to say a word, we are forever delivering and
being
delivered a truckload of meaning!
To complicate matters, we never stop
communicating silently, non-verbally and indirectly,
forever sending messages to people and receiving signals
from them! In fact, it is generally accepted in the
field of Cross-Cultural Communications that as much as
65% of what is being communicated in any interaction is
expressed non-verbally! From the ways we dress, walk,
sit, gesture, shake hands, lean back in our chairs, fold
our arms, sigh, set our gaze out the window, snap the
gum, fidget with the phone, twirl the earring, or raise
our eyebrows, we are expressing worlds of meaning,
without having to utter a single word!
Once again, what is being expressed in
these indirect and non-verbal ways is totally open to
interpretation! I am reminded of a friend and colleague
who attended my workshop and kept her back to me the
entire time I was talking – I was so offended and felt
so hurt that it was hard to even continue teaching. As
she explained to me later, she was so engrossed with
what I was saying, she needed to turn away so as not to
be distracted by watching me. In another recent
situation, when a niece arrived at the wedding in dress
jeans and heels, I heard the aunt, who was the mother of
the bride, comment, “So that’s how much we matter to her
– she’s finally said it once and for all!” Perhaps the
niece was just stylin’ a new kind of chic, not intending
to “say” anything at all!
Obviously the differences across world
cultures in non-verbal cues and indirect ways of
expression lay the grounds for tremendous
miscommunication. It is equally true, however, across
dimensions of age, gender, ethnicity, nationality,
socio-economics, and disability. What for one person is
a kindness to be offered help across the street, for
another may be an insult. What for one person is a sign
of disrespect to be called by a first name, to another
it is an invitation to friendship. What for one person
an embrace is a lovely gesture, for another, a line has
been crossed. And the multiple interpretations go on
and on and on…
4. Be aware of how “role” and
“context” figure in the mix!
Not only is what we communicate
dependent on the words and gestures we employ, but those
words and non-verbal cues are imbued with additional
layers of meaning depending on the context in which they
are spoken and who we are talking to. For example, the
way we would express dissatisfaction or lodge a
complaint will differ greatly depending on whether we
are speaking to a child, a judge, a client, a close
friend, a stranger in an elevator, a therapist, the
boss, a spouse, or the ex-spouse. Often what we
interpret as reflective of the “true person” - their
style of communication, their character, or personality
traits - is really just their reaction to that
particular situation. What is being communicated and
how it is being communicated can never be separated from
how Role and Context are playing into the situation.
(Case in point – how many parents hear from other people
how incredibly polite, respectful, and engaging their
teenage son or daughter is, and all the while they’re
thinking, “Are they really talking about my child?”)
5. Regard what you perceive
as “reality” as your subjective take on a Rorschach
inkblot!
The world we perceive has more to do
with the subjective “us” than an objective take on “the
world”. As much as we like to think differently, we
have no external standard of truth, only a multiplicity
of opinions to choose from. This is due in large part
to at least four problematic aspects of perception:
- We always miss a great deal of
what is going on around us. It is literally
impossible for the human brain to take in and
interpret all the stimuli that it receives at any
one moment.
- Our past experiences and points
of reference greatly influence our construction of
reality. (Take the classic example of the three
blind people who are asked to describe an elephant -
the one who was standing at the front described it a
bit like a leathery fire hose; the one in the middle
described it as a wall; and the one at the back end
described it as tree stump. They were each
“correct’ given their particular point of reference,
but they were all missing what the others’ were
perceiving, and clearly failed to see the whole of
the elephant. Such as it is in our attempts to
interpret and understand the world, ourselves, and
one another.)
- We see what we are prepared to
see, according to what we have been trained to see.
(It’s like the pickpocket who meets a holy man, only
seeing his pockets, or, as the observation made by
Abraham Maslow that, “If the only tool you have is a
hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.)
- We don’t see what doesn’t fit our
picture. (We say that seeing is believing, but the
opposite is much closer to the truth - we tend to
see what we believe and rarely see what we can’t
believe. My husband recently admitted that through
his childhood he never “saw” the needles of the
local Tamarack tree turn yellow and fall because,
well, pine needles don’t do that!)
How do we remember that what we
observe is not “absolute truth” but the truth exposed by
our own perceptions, with which we are likely to warp,
bend or totally block out key aspects of any situation?
Perhaps this is what the great Sufi poet, Rumi, eluded
to when he wrote, “One fingertip hides the moon – the
whole world may be hidden from view by a single point.”
6. Accept that we are forever
distorting reality, never free from the frames through
which
we perceive it.
Albert Einstein once said, “It is
impossible to look at the eyes through which ones
sees.” Like a fish failing to recognize water because
it is the air it breathes, we forget how much we know
which is not common knowledge to others outside our
worldview. Thus, we tend to leave out a lot when we
communicate our perceptions to other people, and people
only perceive part of what we communicate. Consider
what it is like to ask directions in a strange city -
the one who is local can’t imagine how lost and
disoriented we are, making unwarranted assumptions about
our understanding of the area. Or how about the signs
at airports - who hasn’t circled and circled? Think
back to watching a game or sport that you do not know
the rules or directions to, or reading an instruction
booklet from a “specialist” like a doctor, a lawyer or
an auto-mechanic whose explanations we cannot possibly
follow.
Perhaps that’s why the term “user
friendly” was born – because the world in not generally
friendly to the average user! The explanation is
simple: Facts and ideas exist in and have meaning within
larger frames of individual experience. Those who own
these larger frames don’t know how they came to acquire
them or how to look at the world afresh without them.
It is not easy to explain to others what we see, know,
and understand so implicitly.
7. Beware of the greatest
hazard of communication - the illusion that it actually
took
place!
Given all of the other suggestions on
the list, know that to any original message expressed
from one person to another, the following has taken
place:
- What the speaker said, which was
heard and understood;
- What the speaker said, which the
listener missed;
- What the listener added, which
the speaker did not say;
- What each of the two expressed,
interpreted, and misinterpreted through non-verbal
cues; and,
- What each assumed in the situation
given the frame through which they perceived it!
Now, multiply those five steps by the
number of statements made in any typical interaction and
you have the general idea behind linguist Lewis Thomas’s
assertion that: “The great thing about human language is
that it prevents us from sticking to the matter at
hand!”
While I am tempted to give my take on
how and why all of this matters when it comes to working
with people, I will allow my sensibilities about the
length of a newsletter to take precedence. My promise
to readers is that in Part Two of this article I will
take up the subject of how Cross- Cultural
Communications relates to us as service providers,
teachers, case managers, employment counselors, job
developers, as well as members of human community. In
the meantime, I leave you with the challenge to observe
your daily communications in a new light – as if each
one is a cross –cultural interaction which you greet
with curiosity, openness, and a willingness to learn!
Happy Autumn!
~ Denise
© Denise Bissonnette, October 2006 (If not used for
commercial purposes, this article may be reproduced, all
or in part, providing it is credited to "Denise
Bissonnette, Diversity World -
www.diversityworld.com" If included in a newsletter
or other publication, we would appreciate receiving a
copy.)
Read Denise's previous newsletter...
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Sweater Weather:
A Love Song to Language
- Written by
Sharon Bryan
Never better, mad as a hatter,
right as rain, might and main,
hanky panky, hot toddy,
hoity toity,
cold shoulder,
bowled over, rolling in clover,
low blow, no soap, hope
against
hope, pay the piper,
liar liar pants on fire,
high and dry, shoo-fly pie,
fiddle-faddle,
fit as a fiddle,
sultan of swat, muskrat
ramble, fat and sassy,
flimflam,
happy as a clam,
cat’s pajamas, bee’s knees,
peas in a pod, pleased as punch,
pretty as a
picture, nothing much,
lift the latch, double Dutch,
helter-skelter, hurdy-gurdy,
early bird,
feathered friend,
dumb cluck, buck up,
shilly-shally, willy-nilly,
roly-poly,
holy moly,
looselips sink ships,
spitting image, nip in the air,
hale and
hearty, part and parcel,
upsy-daisy, lazy days,
maybe baby, up to snuff,
flibbertigibbet, honky-tonk,
spic and span, handyman,
cool as a cucumber, blue moon,
high as a
kite, night and noon,
love me or leave me, seventh heaven,
up and about, over and out.
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