 Making
a Leadership Choice - Part Two:
Meeting Defeat without Being Defeated
Dear Colleagues and Friends,
I did not know that
when I sent last month’s issue of this newsletter
entitled “Making a Leadership Choice – The Question of
Initiative” that it would be the first part of a longer
article. The following response to the January issue,
however, inspired the writing of this month’s article on
a matter which I now perceive as a critical part of
maintaining the stance of an “everyday leader”. For
those who wish to read last month’s article which
prompted this letter, please see:
TLN January 2009.
Dear Denise, In reading about your three stages of
initiative-taking, (follower/observer –
self-starter/achiever – catalyst/leader), I realized
that I seem to have hit a fourth stage - the defeated
one. I have worked tirelessly on our employment equity
committee, representing persons with disabilities
(including myself). However, I realized as I listened
to ideas being passed around at a meeting that I'm
tired. I'm tired of being ignored, insulted, excluded -
if my pleas to make something more accessible are
acknowledged at all, (usually they're just ignored) then
I'm told that people are "tired of my little problems",
or that "the building is to code, and that's as good as
it gets" I have tried for so long to help people
understand that "to code" does not necessarily mean
functional.
I
know what you must be thinking - I would (and do) think
that obviously it is my approach that is putting people
off. If you have some suggestions on how I can be more
acceptable in delivering my message, I would be
eternally grateful. Is there a method for re-gaining my
momentum? Or, is it time to just let the younger
generation take up the flag?
I think we all
relate to the pain and anguish expressed by this reader
as we consider times in our own lives when our words or
deeds went unnoticed, unheard, or worse yet, were met
with criticism or disparagement. It can be
discouraging, and, at times, even maddening, but it is
always exhausting - physically, mentally and
emotionally. Little wonder that the reader claims to be
tired! With all of that being true, I encourage this
reader to not give into that discouragement, nor to
label it as “defeat”. Even if her best attempts have
yet to change a thing, she is only defeated when she
loses sight of or gives up on her own cause.
All of this begs the
question - How do we not give up on ourselves in the
face of ongoing difficulty or own failed attempts at
inspiring change in others? Here are some thoughts
to consider and a few questions we might ask when our
very best efforts fall short of what we’d hope.
Keep your focus
within your own circle of power.
It is natural that
when we are trying to inspire some kind of change in
other people or in our environment, we gage our
effectiveness by the results that take place/fail to
take place in that arena. However, focusing on the
behaviors and responses of other people is
disempowering, because we, in fact, have no power
there. My advice to the reader, and to all of us, is
that we refocus our energy and attention to the only
place where we have power in the situation - which is,
of course, within ourselves and our own thoughts,
intentions, and actions. This does not mean that we
surrender the larger cause, nor does it mean that other
people’s reactions don’t matter. It simply means that in
our ongoing attempt to inspire change, we need to
refocus in the areas of our greatest power.
Accept the
difference between “giving input” and “having
influence”.
It is a painful but persistent truth that
the people around us are not always ripe for what we
have to offer – they are not always ready to learn or to
be or to act on what we perceive as truly inspired
ideas. This brings home the difference between giving
“input” and having “influence”. We can give input day
and night, but whether or not it has any influence is
pretty much out of our control. (Consider the input
you’ve recently offered co-workers, clients, family
members or friends which did not translate into
influence.) Accepting the limits of the influence we
have in any given situation takes incredible maturity,
wisdom and humility – especially in situations involving
people or issues about which we feel deeply and
passionately. To not accept those limits is to climb an
uphill battle, and in the end, to waste time and energy
that would be better invested elsewhere.
Consider the messenger before the
message.
People have to have
faith and confidence in the messenger before they will
accept the message. It is important to ask whether or
not we have earned the trust and confidence of those we
are hoping to inspire. If not, how might we go about
earning that trust and confidence? If we are not the
messenger that people will be most apt to listen to, how
can we put our energies into finding the person who is?
(You know how hearing something from a virtual stranger
can hold twice the punch of hearing the same thing from
your mother? Or how about when a staff member
enthusiastically shares an opinion that you, in fact,
expressed weeks ago, but it took hearing it from an
“expert” to get them on board?) Then again, perhaps the
most effective messenger is not a person, but a strategy
– like holding an event, showing a film, doing a survey,
or assigning a book. Consider alternative ways of
getting the message across that might appeal to people
in or from a variety of contexts, modalities and
perspectives.
Find the natural
bridge connecting ‘what is’ to ‘what could be’.
One of the most
poignant things I learned while earning my degree in
Multicultural Education was from a rather quiet,
unassuming professor from Indochina. What he suggested
was that the challenge of great teachers is not to get
the students to see the world from their point of view,
but rather, to go the student’s point of view and find
the “natural bridge” connecting what they presently see
with what the teachers would like them to see. It makes
a lot of sense. People are going to be more open to
ideas that affirm their present values and behaviors
than to ideas which are foreign to their current way of
thinking. How do we find the natural bridge that
connects where people are now to the place you would
like them to be? For example,
“We are an agency
that is all about advancing the rights and opportunities
of people with disabilities, and I think in many ways we
are meeting that goal. How can we further our aim by
making the building we work in more accessible to the
people we are here to serve? What might we be
communicating to people by not advancing that cause, and
what would we have to gain by changing that message?”
Change the goal
from winning to agreeing.
We have to take
great care to communicate in a way that does not make
others listen defensively, as if readying themselves for
battle. I recently heard communications expert, Sharon
Ellison, speak on “taking the war out of words” in which
she asserted that human communication is based on the
rules of war. In asking the group to consider how long
it takes to get defensive in a conversation, she
suggested that it takes less than a nanosecond, and
that, in fact, we don’t even have to be there – just
thinking of what another person might say causes us to
put up our guard!
In my job
development training I emphasize the difference between
wanting to win and wanting to agree. I suggest that
whenever you find yourself winning an argument with an
employer or with an applicant, you’ve probably already
lost, because the goal is to agree! How do we learn to
express ourselves in a way that does not put people on
the defensive? Is our approach arresting and imposing,
or is it inciting and invitational? Consider the
difference in tone between the following questions:
“How can we
still be discussing something as basic as making
this building accessible to people with
disabilities? Why does no one seem to care about
this? Do you think you would care more if you or the
people you loved used a wheelchair?”
versus
“What do you
think would have to happen in order for this issue
to be taken seriously enough for us to act on? Is
there a missing piece in this puzzle that we need to
put into place in order for us to view the big
picture differently?”
Distinguish
between meeting defeat and being defeated!
In mustering our
courage to take initiative in the world, we are bound to
meet with defeat in many of our attempts to create or
inspire change. So be it. If it weren’t difficult,
it’s probably not worth fighting for. If the ends were
easy to attain, they probably wouldn’t qualify as real
change anyway. Being on the edge requires a willingness
to fall, and then get up again. With each attempt
perhaps we expand the edge, if even just a little bit.
But there is a difference between meeting defeat in our
efforts, and being defeated within ourselves!
We know this
difference in every arena in our lives in which we
continually attempt something new, fail, try something
different, fail again, have another go, move forward a
little bit, take another shot in the dark, move
backwards, etc. We know the difference between meeting
defeat and being defeated when raising a child, caring
for an elderly parent, starting a business, learning a
new skill, or stretching ourselves in the kitchen, the
garden, the classroom, or the staff meetings. With
regard to matters of principle and purpose, however, the
distinction is paramount!
Ultimately we have
to be true to ourselves, first and foremost. In order
to provide some kind of leadership, we have to know
where we are going and what we care about. We have to
be loyal to the causes or the purposes that inspire the
kind of influence we wish to have in the world. If we
stay true to those values and purposes in the best way
we know how, at the end of the day when we look in the
mirror, we will see the face of one who is not
defeated, but rather, determined, even in the face of
discouragement or disappointment.
Remember the
power of one small voice.
It helps to remember
that while we may not see or experience the direct
result of our efforts, not a single step is taken in
vain. This idea is beautifully expressed in this story
I heard years ago, and recently came across again in a
book of meditations and prayers. While its source is
unknown, its message is universal.
“What is the
weight of a snowflake”, a robin asked a wild dove.
“It weighs
nothing more than nothing,” was the answer.
“In that case I
must tell you a marvelous story”, the robin said.
“One day I sat on a branch of fir, close to its
trunk when it began to snow – not heavily, not in a
raging blizzard, but rather like a dream, without
any violence. Since I didn’t have anything better
to do, I counted the snowflakes settling on the
twigs and needles of my branch. The number was
exactly 3, 741, 952. When the next snowflake
dropped on to the branch – nothing more than
nothing, as you say – the branch broke off.” Having
said that, the robin flew away.
The dove, known
to be an authority on the matter, contemplated the
story and finally said to herself: ”Perhaps there is
just one person’s voice lacking for peace and
justice to come about in the world.”
The truth is that we
never know the power that one word or one small act of
initiative may have in the grand scheme of things. What
we do know, however, is that when we refuse to be part
of the solution, we are part of the problem. It is the
responsibility of each of one of us to recognize and
attend to the situation in front of us and to take
however small a step in order to “fight the good fight”
as we see it. Whether or not that step is the snowflake
that finally breaks the branch is less important than
the fact that we participate in the process that may
eventually lead to change.
In the challenge
of inspiring others, don’t allow the process to change
you!
Let me end with an
amazing story about A.J. Muste, who during the Vietnam
War stood in front of the White House night after night
with a candle. On rainy night a reporter asked him,
“Mr. Muste, do you really think you are going to change
the policies of this country by standing out here alone
at night with a candle?” Muste replied, “Oh, I don’t do
it to change the country, I do it so the country won’t
change me.”
Staying true to our
purposes in the midst of all that would sway us off
course requires vigilant discipline and dedication of
mind and heart. Sure, we stray from the path from time
and time – such is the nature of the human journey.
Like our reader, we get tired and wonder if it isn’t
time to surrender the flag to the next generation. But
the question we must ask is not how much change we are
affecting in those around us, but how we are being
changed in the process? Are we becoming more loyal or
less loyal to our principles? Are our dreams for the
world growing dimmer or brighter? Are we growing bitter
or are we remaining hopeful?
Whatever we need to
do to restore our own sense of purpose is the next right
step to take. It could mean retiring from the cause as
you’ve known it up until now, but finding a new place to
invest your energies. It could mean taking a
well-earned breather from all of your yearning, and
allowing your spirit to recover, knowing a spring lies
hidden in the depths of winter. Being true to our
purposes while participating in the larger drama of
life, is a private and personal matter, but if there
were one matter in which we desist from being defeated,
may it be that one!
With a deep bow to
the everyday warriors and peace-makers among us,
~ Denise
© Denise Bissonnette, February 2009.
(If not used for commercial purposes, this article
may be reproduced, all or in part, providing it is credited to
"Denise Bissonnette, Diversity World - www.diversityworld.com."
If included in a newsletter or other publication, we would
appreciate receiving a copy.)
Read Denise's previous (January 2009) newsletter...
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