Dear Friends and Colleagues,
As often happens, a
message from a subscriber of this
newsletter inspired the writing of this month’s issue.
It reads,
Dear
Denise, I have been a faithful reader of your newsletter
since its inception in 2003 and have shared your thoughts and wisdom with
family, friends, co-workers and clientele, as was fitting with the
situation. I have been impressed with the wide range of themes and
issues that you choose to write about, among my favorites being
Self-Care, Authenticity, Listening, Diversity Thinking, Seeing
Beyond Barriers, Creativity, and more recently Everyday
Leadership. While you have not written about it directly, I sense
a spiritual thread that runs throughout your writing, as well as a
strong philosophical stance which prompts you to urge the reader to
approach every issue, first and foremost, on a personal level,
engaging more in questions of self-reflection rather than of
intellectual pursuit. Am I correct about that? If so, how would you
characterize the stance I am referring to?
- Faithful
Reader/Vocational Rehabilitation Counselor/Minister in Training
As it happens, not only do I
recognize the stance this reader is eluding to, but I feel somewhat
remiss in never having written about it directly. In my own defense,
do you know how we have ways of acting or thinking that become so
natural to our way of being, that we no longer recognize them - much
in the same way the fish does not recognize water? These patterns
become so implicit in our behavior, that it takes someone who is
“not a fish” to make us aware of it. Such was the effect of this
reader’s question on me.
Upon reflection, I recognize
that the well-worn path my thinking naturally goes to, regardless of
subject matter, is what might best be characterized as an Inside-Out
Perspective. Having been introduced to the term about 25 years ago
through the Unity Temple I attended in Santa Cruz, California, I
have heard it through the years not only in spiritual circles, but
more recently in contemporary business writing, having been
popularized by Stephen Covey in the early 90’s. As is often true
of new terminology, people use the same expression to mean different
things, putting their own spin on a word or a phrase, imbuing it
with added layers of meaning. To me the particular phrase we use is
not as important as comprehending the principle it is trying to
capture, for as I will try to express in this article, the
implications of this perspective on how we live and experience life
are both fundamental and profound.
I would go so far as to say
that an Inside-Out Perspective is indeed the starting place for
anything that matters, including our sense of security, well-being,
and happiness, the quality of our relationships, and our experience
at work and in community. It is the starting place for dealing with
change, handling transition, coping with grief and adversity, and
staying the course when times are tough. It is the starting place
for knowing and expressing our talents and gifts, discovering and
living our purposes, and expressing our authenticity and
creativity. There isn’t a single aspect of our lives in which this
perspective does not have profound repercussions because it
influences where we put our focus and invest our energy, how we
perceive the events in our lives, and the extent to which we feel
empowered and in control of our own emotional state. It is the
difference between being reactive or responsive, victimized or
empowered, vulnerable or grounded.
While an Inside-Out Perspective is hard to define or
put a finger on, we know the difference when we see it. Here’s a
snapshot of what it might look like to live from each end of the
“Outside In – Inside Out Continuum”. See if you don’t recognize the
differences between these two orientations.
Characteristics of People with an Outside/In
Perspective:
-
Define themselves by
factors such as degrees they’ve attained, positions they hold,
marital/relationship status, the number of kids they have,
religious affiliation, and their present fitness level as
measured on their Wii system;
-
Claim they will be happy
“when…” or “if… ” (fill in the blank) they find the right mate,
make a certain amount of money, get back into a size 8, land the
job of their dreams, take that European vacation, make the
addition on the house …., yada, yada, yada
-
Allow their emotional
state to be tempered by the weather forecast, swayed by the
results of a football game, rocked with the rise or fall of the
stock market, and/or influenced by the plans that may or may not
pan out for the weekend;
-
Gauge their own sense of
self by the opinions of others – feeling great when in the good
graces of the powers that be, but totally down and out when a
certain someone fails to pay proper heed;
-
Are forever victimized in
the ongoing drama of life, whether belittled by a
passive-aggressive boss, besieged by an arduous workload, driven
insane by a hormonal teenager, or suffocated by an overbearing
mother-in-law;
-
Live like chameleons,
willing to change their colors with the “flavor of the month” –
be it a fashion trend, the latest diet plan, the most current
advice from Dr. Phil, or the newest management method;
-
Maintain confidence and a
sense of security when things are going well, but lose emotional
footing with the advent of something unexpected such as a
break-up, a change in employment, a scandal involving the
minister of their church, or the sudden realization that they
qualify for a senior discount at the movie theater; and,
-
Measure love by the size
of a diamond, worth by the volume of visitors to their website,
popularity by the number of friends on Facebook, success by the
year and model of the car they drive, and beauty by weight on
the scale.
Fortunately, none of us have
ever been prone to this shallow kind of existence, this
skating-on-the-surface of life, allowing circumstances to limit or
define who we are, how we feel, or what we can achieve. Yeah,
right. We wish!
Characteristics of People
with an Inside/Out Perspective:
-
Put more stock in who
they are than what they have or what they do;
-
Define themselves by the
values, tenets and qualities they consciously work to express in
the world, bringing definition and meaning to the roles they
play rather than the reverse;
-
Base their sense of
security on principles which hold true regardless of outside
events; maintaining a sense of solid ground even in the midst of
transition;
-
Perceive happiness more
as a matter of choice than of circumstance, a quality of mind
and heart that colors what is happening around them;
-
Can enjoy having
possessions without being possessed by them, and are able to
participate in the material world without being consumed or
defined by it;
-
Work to actively create
what they want to see in the world rather than passively wait to
receive what they desire (e.g., with the aim of peace, they
work toward justice, with the wish for joy, they practice
gratitude); and,
-
Refuse to be the victim
of circumstance, concentrating instead on the power they have to
make the best of a situation.
Can there be any doubt which
of these two perspectives is more apt to produce a happier, more
secure, more empowered, and less neurotic life? I didn’t think so.
However, if this shift in perspective has profound repercussions, it
begs the question: What are the primary distinctions characterizing
an Inside Out Perspective? For the purposes of this introductory
article, I would begin with the following four themes.
1. Recognizing oneself as
the source of happiness and well-being - focused more on being
rather than having or doing!
What we choose as the
barometer of our worth, the measure of our success, the basis of our
identity, and the source of our well-being and happiness is the
best telltale sign of which side of the continuum we consider to
be home base. To the extent that our sense of self is tied to
having, doing, or succeeding with people, places and things outside
ourselves, is the extent to which we live from an Outside In
orientation. To the extent that we base our identity more on who we
are, who we are becoming and what we are expressing in the world, we
are living from the Inside Out. The more we live in alignment with
our own purposes, following the compass of our cherished values and
principles, the less likely we will sidetracked and pulled by the
gravity of what the culture or the media tells us we should want,
where we should go, or how we should live.
With an inner core of
conviction about who we are and how we want to live, we are better
able to withstand the winds of change and transition because it
represents a grounding that is both solid and unchanging. It is the
difference between hopelessly searching for security in the world
and mustering more and more faith in ourselves that so we can better
handle what comes our way. It is the difference between living in
endless pursuit of what will make us happy and cultivating a sense
of contentment with what we already have. It means loving and
appreciating ourselves for who we are, regardless of what we’ve
achieved, the positions we hold, or how much money we have in the
bank. Imagine that.
2. Exercising the power of
interpretation!
Contrary to the notion that
our experience of life has everything to do with what is happening
to us from the outside world, an Inside Out Perspective acknowledges
that our experience has far more to do with what is happening in and
through us as we rub up against the outside world. Our experience
of circumstances has more to do with what we think about them than
the actual conditions themselves because everything that happens to
us is totally open to interpretation. We are the ones who attach
meaning to events, assigning significance to situations that are
otherwise neutral. Our powers of interpretation should not be taken
lightly as they spell the difference between what we experience as a
crisis or an opportunity, a calamity or a blessing, a problem or a
lesson.
Consider the possible
interpretations of someone who has been turned down for a job. For
some it suggests that there was someone else more qualified for the
job, or perhaps someone who was just a better fit, but it doesn’t
mean that the right job for them isn’t just around the corner. For
some it is an affirmation that they will never become employed,
while for others it is further evidence of being discriminated
against. Some will take it to mean that they need further
interviewing practice, and others will suggest that it was that
employer’s loss not to have seized the opportunity to put them on
their team. In applying our interpretation, we influence the
quality and effect of everything that happens in our lives.
3. Exercising the power of
thought and response!
I do believe there is
something in our nature that impels us to point first and foremost
to external circumstances as the source of our joy or our suffering
– our first thought typically being a reactive one. However, part
of the glory of being human is that we have the power of a second
thought which can be more responsive or proactive to the situation –
putting us back in the seat of power and restoring our capacity to
consciously interpret events in a way that serves us. And with the
gift of a more empowering perspective, we have a different place
from which to respond and to influence the outcome that a situation
will ultimately have in our lives. As I have shared in past
publications, an event does not necessarily produce an outcome –
rather, it is an event (plus our response to it) that produces its
outcome! The fact that we have power in the equation is not to be
taken lightly!
4. Willingness to be the
change!
Like many, I find Mahatma
Gandhi’s advice, “Be the change you wish to see in the world” as
some of the wisest counsel we could ever aspire to putting into
practice. Unfortunately, as we all know too well, it is clearly
easier said than done! I always appreciated the Peanuts Cartoon in
which Charlie Brown says to Linus, “Perhaps you can give me an
answer, Linus. What would you do if you felt that no one liked
you?” Linus replies, “I’d try to look at myself objectively, and see
what I could do to improve myself, and then do it. That’s my
answer, Charlie Brown.” To which Charlie replies, “I hate that
answer!”
Let’s admit it - when
questioning anything that we find perturbing, disturbing, or in any
way bothersome, we all hate that answer! It’s so much easier to lay
blame, find fault and/or hold others responsible for our misery! In
doing so not only do we get to justify and affirm our bad feelings
about a situation, but we simultaneously get to defend our position
about what needs changing in order to right what’s wrong. Rarely,
of course, do we see ourselves as the one who needs to change.
A far more empowering stance
to anything that matters in our life is one in which we see
ourselves as a primary player in the picture. In other words, when
we find ourselves asking questions like, “Why aren’t my children
(parents, friends) calling me?” or “What more should management be
doing in order to light our fire or spark our motivation?” the
question we need to be asking is why we would knowingly place our
motivation in the hands of other people. How about picking up the
phone and initiating the calls ourselves, or drawing on our own
imagination and creativity in order to light our own fires?
In essence, an Inside Out
Perspective suggests that we are not mere puppets in the world whose
strings are being pulled by external forces - we are the
puppeteers. While we know this instinctively, it takes incredible
maturity to own the amount of power we wield in shaping our own
lives. The truth be told, it takes vigilant attention and fierce
discipline to own the fact that we are the not only the primary
source of our own happiness and well-being, but of our misery as
well - the world a great mirror, reflecting back who we are. In a
future issue I will elaborate on the implications of an Inside Out
Perspective on how we engage in the work world. In the meantime, may
we live in such a way that when we look into the world we see it
shining with the light of our finest hopes, blossoming with the
colors of our finest intentions, and bearing the fruit of our
humble, daily actions.
Happy Spring!
~ Denise
© Denise
Bissonnette, April 2009 (If not used
for commercial
purposes, this
article may be
reproduced, all or
in part, providing
it is credited to
"Denise Bissonnette,
Diversity World - www.diversityworld.com."
If included in a
newsletter or other
publication, we
would appreciate
receiving a copy.)
Read Denise's previous (March 2009) newsletter...
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Poem of the MonthI am
utterly thrilled to share this beautiful poem as this month’s
selection from the 14th century mystic poet, Kabir, whose spiritual
inheritance was both Hindu and Muslim. His work has shown up in
every compilation of spiritual poetry that I have ever laid my hands
on – and for good reason! Not only does this poem cut to the heart
of this month’s theme, but it is also in celebration of spring and
the power each of has in its unfolding … Enjoy!
A Place to Sit
Kabir
Don’t go outside your house to see
flowers.
My friend, don’t bother with that excursion.
Inside your body, inside your mind, there are flowers.
Each flower has a thousand petals.
That will do for a place to sit.
Sitting there you will have a glimpse of beauty
inside yourself and outside yourself,
before gardens and after gardens.
- Excerpt from The Kabir
Book, translated by Robert Bly, copyright 1971, 1977, by Robert Bly,
Beacon Press and Macmillan Press, Ltd.
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Thoughts to Consider
